Goldstein defined self-actualization as a driving life force that will ultimately lead to maximizing one's abilities and determine the path of one's life
Ive been thinking about this concept a lot over the last few weeks. There have been a few situations that have driven my thoughts in that direction. Some good, some bad, some painful, some wonderful. Bottom line - I have been thinking about the driving force in my life. What drives me? Is my motivation and the direction I am heading the way I want to go? Am I honest with myself? Am I honest with those around me? Can those around me trust me? Do I feel proud of who I am?
I asked all of these questions to myself. I asked for answers - for clarity - and I found them. Surprisingly, not where I expected to find them. I will forever be grateful to a friend who without even knowing what was going on in my life felt like she needed to send me 2 texts at two different times. Without her wisdom I would not be in the place I am now. I will forever be indebted to her and admire the person that she chooses to be.
John and I have talked more in the past weeks than we have in a long time. Deep, heart wrenching, soul searching talks. We have examined ourselves, our perceptions, our relationship, and our focus. We have grown and become stronger. More one in purpose and feeling. He is one of the most amazing people I know and we have both found something in these past few days that is much to sacred for me to limit to simple words. They would never be adequate.
I - love - my - man!
I love his strength. I love his heart. I love his resilience. I love his humility. I love his maturity. I love his perspective. I love to be one. I love to progress with him. I love that he is mine.
I love to love him!
I taught a lesson in church last month about self mastery. This talk here by Elder Bednar was one of the talks that I based my lesson on and it changed my life. Ive thought a lot about it as I have been working through all of these things and thoughts. I have realized that for me, being able to choose who I want to be and feel that I have control over my destiny and choices are core to my being. It burns in my bones and floods my mind and heart with desire and strength. I love that I can determine who I want to be and that no one can define me or limit me. Only I have the power to do that. I love in Viktor Frankl's, Mans search for Meaning when he says:
We who lived in concentration camps can remember those who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have
been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken
from a person but the last of the human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in
any given set of circumstances - to choose one's own way.
Today John and I went to the Newport Beach Temple and as we sat there smiling at each other and winking I mouthed, "I feel at peace." He smiled and in the softness of his eyes and his nod I knew he felt the same way.
The last few years have been some of the most difficult in my life. I have been challenged in ways I never imagined I could be. I hit my lowest of lows and was grappling to just hang in there. And when I didn't feel hope that I would ever make it through, the trial was lifted. I am left changed in a way I could have never imagined -stronger, wiser, more mature.
This week I'm going to be writing about some of these experiences that I feel can be shared. Other posts will be written but never published because they are too personal and sacred. I apologize for all the journaling lately but its important to me that I write this for myself and for my children. Come back in a week or so when we get back to the day to day blogging. For now though, I need to write.
What has everything in the last 2 years taught me so far?
I have learned to endure and the strength that comes from self discipline. I have learned that I am strong despite my feelings of inadequacy and weakness. I do care about what others think of me - but I care more about what I think of myself! At the end of the day when I look in the mirror I know that I have been loyal to myself, my family, my friends, my country, and my God. That brings an inner peace and inner confidence that I believe can not be found anywhere else.
I am not perfect. I never will be. I know that despite my best efforts I will never be able to please everyone. But I know where my heart is. I know where my intentions are rooted.
I have learned that I am at peace with myself.
