Don't worry, I'm talking about emotionally. I have never been a closed off or private person. Its just not who I am. For the most part, I like it. It has made it so that I can connect with people easily. Most importantly its one of the things that I know John loves about me the most.
Lately though, I have felt - exposed? I don't really know how to word it. I just feel like there have been a few instances where people take the very little information they have and think they can see the full picture of who I am. I feel like I have been generalized and made to fill a mold that someone made of me in their mind.
I read Cjane's blog. I think she can be funny. I don't agree with everything she thinks or says and sometimes I think she is over the top. But it is her blog and should reflect her and her life. We share the same propensity for being open though. These last couple of days I actually looked at some of the comments she gets and I was shocked! People take everything she does or says and rip her and her life apart. They correct, insult, and judge everything she is and does based off of the limited information on her blog.
I think there are a lot of people who share the raw emotion of their life on their blog and I appreciate those blogs that people are not afraid to be who they really are. Those are the blogs I love to read the most. Real life. I know that it is a natural instinct to judge people. We all do it, even if you think you don't - you do. Maybe the Internet makes people think that they don't have to use their humanity filter behind the anonymity of a monitor.
It sounds like something major happened doesn't it? That's whats so weird, nothing has changed and I don't have any specific instances, its just a feeling I have. It makes me sick in the bottom of my stomach and I don't know why its there. Maybe that is why I feel vulnerable and exposed is because I cant identify the source of where the feeling is coming from.
I really don't have a point to all of this, just that I feel exposed for some reason. For the first time I just want to take me, John, and my children and wrap them up in a private wall from all of the spectators and their prying eyes and thoughts.
3 comments:
Thanks for sharing this. I love how open you are on your blog. I often learn so much from your openess. I'm glad there isn't anything major or specific that has happened to make you feel this way, but at the same time sorry you are feeling exposed.
I'm often amazed at how judgmental and rude people can be through the anonymity of the internet. I used to frequent a LDS message board and it was awful the rude things people would say. Needless to say, I don't go anymore or share much about me either.
I love how you are so open, it really does make you who you are. People who make bad comments to make other's feel bad are just Satan's way of trying to bring down the children of Light.
You won't like to hear this, but that feeling you are having is 'depression'. How do I know, I've had it before and struggled to overcome it so many times.
I think you're right about the openness. It makes me feel overexposed as well. But seriously, it does more good than bad. It does SO MUCH GOOD for me to read your blog and others that make me feel like I want to improve, that I"m not alone. Cjane is awesome because she lets the world know what the church is all about. And she throws in a lot of humor with it. So it does a lot more good than bad.
I love you Lisa. Loved your comment. When I get time, I'm going to read your and John's story. I lost touch with you when you moved to Seattle and thought about you so much since. It also makes me want to write down mine and Jake's story as well.
xoxoxo
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