Saturday, July 17, 2010

J & L - Indecision

* I am writing our love story, if you want to start and the beginning click here. At the very bottom of that post you can click on "newer post" and it will take you through our story in order.

Unfortunately it didn't come as quickly for John. He was praying about it but just hadn't received his answer. He told me he wanted to marry me but that he would never marry me without feeling like he had a confirmation to his prayer that it was the right choice.

I told him I loved him and he told me he was sorry that he couldn't say it back but he had told himself on his mission that he would only say that to his future wife. It was hard for me. Everything seemed on hold. My job had not hired anyone yet but they needed to know if I was leaving or staying. Kirsten had been making her plans to move and I didn't know if I was coming. It was hard to feel in limbo and that I had so many people waiting for us to make this huge decision and yet I didn't want to rush it.

I didn't want to push John. I had a hard time not being frustrated that he was the one who had talked about getting married and then it seemed like he was trying to backpedal. He assured me that was not the case. He wanted to marry me but he needed his own confirmation that it was the right choice and that hadn't come yet.

I remember one night standing outside of my house in Shoreline looking at the stars while we were leaning up against my Saturn. He was holding me and we were talking. Just standing still in that place of indecision. He told me he couldn't ask me to stay unless he was asking me to be his wife. I think that's what I wanted. I wanted him to tell me to stay and then we could take our time figuring things out. I didn't want to tell him I was going to stay because that seemed like so much pressure on him.

On April 23rd I was once again lying on my Grandma Irene's soft bed and we were talking late at night. We had been talking for hours. I needed to make a choice. I was not the kind of person that could wait around, indecisive. I was not trying to push John at all. I wasn't angry with him for the fact that he had not gotten his confirmation. In fact it made me love him that much more because I recognized that he cared deeply, loved, and relied on our Father in Heaven and the Savior. To me that made me want to marry him even more! It was just the situation - the feeling like I didn't have control of my own life and that it was effecting others that was driving me crazy.

We finally got to where there were no more words to say. We just sat silently on the phone and didn't talk. While there wasn't anything to say we didn't want to hang up either. It felt like there was this impassably gulf between us that we couldn't bridge and it hurt us both. We finally decided we had to go to sleep and so we said a wistful goodbye. I cried for a long time. I prayed and pleaded and sobbed. About a half hour later my phone rang. It was John. he said, "we have to talk right now. I will be there in 20 minutes."

I freaked out! He doesn't want to break up with me over the phone! He must have gotten an answer! What was his answer? How did he sound? How did I make it look like I hadn't been sobbing for the last half hour. Do I change out of my pajamas? My mind was going frantically from scenario to scenario.

Finally I heard a soft knock at the door. I went to it, afraid to know what answer was behind it. What would I do if he told me it wasn't right. I was scared. I had never cared for someone so deeply. I opened it and saw him there in his black sweater and khaki pants. I almost melted he was so handsome.

He came straight to me and pulled me into him and gave me my first experience going weak in the knees with the most amazing and passionate kiss I have ever had.

1 comment:

Grandma Caroline said...

I take 3 days off the computer and look what I come back to..more breath holding, how fun!