Monday, August 30, 2010

One more little pound....

and then my BMI will be NORMAL - not "overweight."
At least I will be considered "normal" in one way :)

My goal changed because apparently I cant subtract.
I think my ultimate goal will be another 5 pounds after I reach this goal but
I'm just going to reach this goal and then decided. One victory at a time.

In other good news: Beckham broke his top eyeteeth - Hallelujah! Hopefully the whining and crying will start toning down. He also started hiding when he goes number 2...that means potty training could be right around the corner :)

Friday, August 27, 2010

We should have got pics earlier because today we discovered...

They devoured a ton of our tomato and tomatillo plants in just a week!

We learned a lot this year about gardening in So Utah. The most important lesson was probably not to plant so early. We may not have frost, but we have wind! Our tomatoes never fully recovered. We also tried tomatillos because John loves salsa verde -
and they took us by surprise....
It has been full and flowering for months but we are just now starting to see tomatillos form.

Our green beans also took a serious hit with the wind and then we got 1 little green bean, about 2 inches long. We never lost hope and....

Our zucchini had no problems. In fact when the tomatillos took over everything they just went sideways. Our peppers on the other hand...
Somewhere under the tomatillos there are 2 more peppers and a jalapeno
but I cant find them, no really Ive looked!

And then our tomatoes...
Our plants were so full for a while but there were only 1 or 2 tomatoes on each plant. Now there are finally more tomatoes but the caterpillars did a lot of damage so we will see. I really want to get at least 1 batch of salsa to can. Maybe two...pretty please tomatoes!

As for the strawberries they were tiny and they didn't taste great but the plants did well and are still going. They are perennials so maybe they will come back bigger and better next year. Our oregano and rosemary did great but our basil was sad, so so sad. So much for brushetta all summer long.

Next year we will be so much more prepared!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Two faced

Let me catch you up on Caleb's school situation:

  • Allergy guidelines suggest not putting the nut free zone and a trash can right next to each other. So they took the nut free zone and pushed it against a far wall away from all the kids and the trash can. We sure wouldn't want to hurt the trash cans feelings by segregating it.
  • I wrote a letter and sent it to everyone I could think of in the school system since talking individually to the school and nurse was getting us no where
  • Principle called put me on speakerphone and brought all the office people and cafeteria workers in and didn't tell me there were others in the room while she proceeded to talk about Caleb's medical information - which by law she is suppose to protect (I didn't care about the confidentiality it's just the ease at which she breaks the schools policies and doesn't think people will call her on it)
  • She insisted they had done everything perfectly. She lied. Then she wouldn't answer any questions. When I talked about the other little girl sitting alone at the table she yelled at me about confidentially and told me that those kids were none of my business.
  • Then she told me to take my kid to a different school
  • I called the superintendent and asked for a meeting between us and the principle with him present because I knew in order to get anywhere with her it would have to be done in front of someone who would make her behave.
  • Head of school services for the district called and I told her about the phone call and situation. She apologized on behalf of the district.
  • No call about the meeting I called and asked when it would be and had to write another letter so that I could get an apt with the superintendent.

Yesterday was the meeting. It was productive and unproductive all at the same time. Unproductive because I have never seen the Principle so nice. Never. Not even in pictures. She was the kindly, gentle, sweet school administrator. We never addressed things that had happened it was just a big kumbaya session of how much we all want to work together. It is amazing how different people are in front of their bosses. Productive in the way that I think the Principle is now warned to not mess with us. She may intimidate other parents and brush them off but I'm pretty sure she won't dare pull her normal stunts on us.

Was it worth all of the trouble? Probably in a few months, right now I'm just tired of it. I don't have a lot of fight right now. John was great and came with me for support because I was just done with it. There are so many better ways for me to be spending my time rather than trying to get an adult administrator to act her age and do her job.

So many people hated Junior High and yet so many people love to live their life as if they are still in Junior High...I don't get it.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Good days & bad days

I had 2 great days and then today, not so much.....

Sunday, August 22, 2010


As I was looking out of the airplane window yesterday while making the decent into LAX it felt so familiar. I remembered countless times coming home from BYU and then later Seattle looking out the window just like that. The anticipation was so familiar and I still love coming home. For a moment the only difference seemed to be a gap of years.

But then I started thinking about how much I have changed in those years. I have matured and become a wife, a mother, hopefully a better daughter, and most of all an adult. I made the transition from an egocentric life to one based on the care of others. I smiled as I thought about how I had thought of what the traffic would be like for my parents while I was making my reservations. Seems like such a small and insignificant thing but I would have never done that in college, I would have only thought about my convenience.

I thought I would revel at the freedom of traveling by myself but instead found myself suffocating at the silence of 13 people in a shuttle van from St George to Vegas for 2 hours without 13 words being spoken. I choked up in the bathroom when I passed the Koala Care changing station and kept wanting to point out the planes taking off and landing to Caleb and Davis. They would have loved to go on an airplane! I wanted to sigh as I had to get up *again* to go chase Beckham after just bringing him back. He would be laughing so hard looking over his shoulder that he would not be able to run straight. I wanted to tease John, hold his hand, and make innuendos to him when no one was watching. The freedom of being unencumbered that I had anticipated was actually really uncomfortable.

Then I got home. Home to my familiar house and to my very familiar parents. Home to my old room and the familiar patterns, routines, and smells. It has been so good for me to be here. My Mom and I wept while clinging to each other. Weeping for the dreams that we probably wont be able to fulfill together, for the fear of what the future and this disease hold, and mostly we wept out of love. Love and gratitude we feel for each other. It was cleansing for me.

She is so full of faith and she is not afraid. She is sad at the things she might miss out on but she is brave enough to face this head on. I feel at peace today. This is definitely not what I wanted. In fact it sucks. Really sucks! But in spite of that I know that everything will be okay.

I read Tuesdays with Morrie twice on the way down. In it he described something that I have felt but not understood in the last few weeks. He said when you fully accept death you really learn to live. In the perspective change that was forced upon me by this new reality I see everything around me so differently. I see people differently. I have more compassion, more gratitude, and more enjoyment for the little things. Its like all of my senses have become more sensitive and heightened.

I see how this will be difficult to get through and how I will never be the same afterwards. I have already internalised and been angry for all of the bad changes, but now I'm starting to see how my life will be changed for the good by the process. Things that would have been left unspoken for years are being spoken now. We are growing together and finding a deeper appreciation and maturity in our love and our family. My appreciation for the power of motherhood has grown and I will forever be a different mother to my children because of this experience. Most people don't go through losing a parent until they are older and have already raised their children. That definitely would still be my first choice - but I can see how I will appreciate my time as a Mother more now that I realize how sacred and how impactful the love of a Mother really is.

Don't mistake my meaning here: I'm not saying I'm glad this is happening! I'm saying that despite what is happening, we will be able to come out of it better because that is what my Mom taught us to do. Not only in her words but through her example.

She taught us to be strong.
She taught us to be resilient.
And when life handed my Mom crappy circumstances she turned around and made the sweetest lemonade.

Here is the recipe:
3 lemons: Mark, Brian, and my Dad ;)
1 orange: Me
and 1 sweet cup of sugar: Mom
Juice the fruit and mix with sugar and 2 quarts of water.
Its the best lemonade you will ever drink! No,really I'm not joking. Try it!

Friday, August 20, 2010


I'm having such a hard time not emotionally eating. I thought I really had made some progress. I guess I shouldn't have been so cocky because usually when you get confident you get to be tested really hard. I would have never thought I would be tested this hard!

I have made progress and need to realize how far Ive come. I feel the need to eat sweets and I can recognize that I want to feed my emotions and not my body. I have a bite and really enjoy it and then I go write about what I'm feeling or call someone to chat.

I'm still at it...2 more pounds down.
Only 3 more pounds until Im "normal"!!!!

I'm taking off tomorrow to go hang with my Mom and Dad. Best part is I just get to be a daughter and friend. Not a Mom. I will miss my kiddos and John especially but right now I just need to be a daughter. I'm blessed to have a husband and friends who love me enough to understand and sacrifice for me.

I cant describe the longing I feel to just go home and sit in my Moms arms and get a big tight hug from my Dad. Maybe a girl never really grows up inside. To be honest, I'm glad.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010


Its been a really interesting process to see how everyone deals with challenges, specifically really hard challenges, like this one before our family. I deal differently than all the boys in the family, including John. Maybe that's why it seems so hard right now that besides my Mom I am surrounded by men. The men in our family are uber unemotional and the women in our family super overly emotional. Ive been thinking lately its like the chicken and the egg - Did they become unemotional because we are overly emotional or did we become overly emotional because they are unemotional. A deep conundrum that is (said in your best Yoda voice please).

One minute I'm up and then I'm down, and then I'm rational and then I'm all emotional. Its hard to keep up with me right now. Nights are the worst. I stay up so late trying to get tired enough that my mind can go to sleep quickly. Its not working. Now I'm tired, drained, and full of swinging emotions. You bet our anniversary yesterday was loads of fun :)

Not only because I'm really worried about my Mom but I'm also fighting with Caleb's school. A looooong and drawn out tale that is robbing me of any energy and zest for life. Its to the point that we are waiting for the superintendent to get back to us because John and I want to have a meeting with the Principle in his office because she needs someone to keep her in line. I assure you, I'm not overreacting. Ive checked with A LOT of people (including the head of Student Services for the District - who apologized on behalf of the district might I add). Our Principle is a piece of work! But unfortunately for our Principle- SHE HAS MET HER MATCH!
Watch out Robyn Bishop!

I think one of the most invaluable life lessons I have learned was from Grandma Henderson (Johns Grandma). She said that in times like this we have to let everyone own their own reactions. We are all going to act differently and that its okay. We have to allow people to cope in their own way. Might sound like common sense but in practical application its really hard! Anytime I have been slightly put off or frustrated on how anyone has reacted I sit back and think about how that person must be feeling and how they are trying their best. My heart softens and I feel compassion and love, instead of frustration or irritation. I sometimes find myself being defensive at how my family is reacting to me and ready to defend myself. Then I realize I have to allow myself that same gift. I have to allow myself to grieve and deal with whatever comes in my own way. Its not right or wrong, its coping.

It has been one of the most important lessons I have learned in my life. Grandma Henderson was right. Times like these can make or break a family. But when we care for each other and have empathy for what each different person's perspective and feelings we can grow closer together. It has helped me understand and feel closer to my Dad, especially since we are so different when it comes to emotions. Its not about acting right or wrong to the situation before us, its about acting in a loving and understanding way to everyone involved.

Hopefully that was the lesson that had to be learned and now we will find that my Mom has that auto immune disorder they are checking for and it will be allllll gooood!

Friday, August 13, 2010


There is something special about female companionship. Specifically those in a direct family line.

Grandmother -Mother - Sister - Daughter

Its like each generation can in their turn refine the woman that is made up by their family traits. In each new generation there is a new hope and pride. I could always be myself with my Grandmothers and I can be myself without reservations when I'm with my Mom. I'm free to be me because they understand who I am in a way that one else can because they can see themselves in me. This in no way diminishes the amazing relationships that we can have with sister-in-laws, or grandmother-in laws. But there is something special about those that you share the same genetics and family experiences with. They can understand you in a way that no one else can.

My grandmothers have passed away....
I never had a sister...
I didn't have a daughter...
And now I'm going to lose my Mother much to early.

I will be left the only woman in my immediate family line.
Grandfather, Father, Brothers, Sons. But no women.

That scares me and makes me feel alone. For one brief second I wanted to get pregnant and give my Mom the granddaughter she always longed for. I never understood why that was so important to her, until now. Maybe she intuitively knew that I would feel alone in a family of men and that I would feel that there would be no one left to really understand me. Deep down I think she knew what I couldn't see, and she didn't want to eventually leave me alone. But eventually may have found a way of coming faster than any of us imagined.

We still have one glimmer of hope that what she is experiencing is not ALS - more commonly known as Lou Gehrig's disease. I am praying harder than anything for Myasthenia gravis because then I will know that our time together will not be limited to 2-5 years. Unfortunately both my Mom and my hearts have felt from the day the symptoms have become more clear that it is ALS.

I have never wanted to be wrong so bad in my life.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Shame on you

I have never completely understood homeschooling. I get it in Junior High, but in elementary? There is a family in our ward with 4 kids and they homeschool -3 of them have peanut allergy's and NOW I get it. I just wanted to snatch my little Caleb up and run away as fast as I could at lunch today.

Last year I was told that there was one girl who would eat her lunch in the office on that 1 day a month when they serve PB & J. I was good with that. I called to verify the day before school started - do I just tell him to go to the office on that day? I was told children don't eat in the office. Why cant he just eat in the cafeteria because that's what all the other kids with allergies do (Insert super snotty full of their own importance secretary voice there) There are 18 kids at his school that have allergies to nuts. They have no place for them when they serve nuts to the majority of the kids.

I called about 18 different people in the school district (there is a longer post about why that I might write someday - but the lack of accommodation for children with medical needs was only one of the reasons). The nurse called me and said they were instituting a "Peanut Free" table. I told her, I'm not looking or a special place for him everyday - JUST the day they serve PB & J and other peanut products. Near 2/3 - 3/4 of the cafeteria would be eating Peanut butter on that day and that's a lot for a 6 year old to be careful of. I told them not to worry about accommodating us - Caleb will be going out to eat on that day!

They said they probably should start a Peanut free table anyway. Hmmm, ya think!? I was told that Caleb would be allowed to pick one friend to sit with him as long as their lunch was peanut free. The school nurse makes lots of good plans like that, but she is not on site and the school does not follow through. I knew exactly what would happen. Caleb would go in and they would tell him that was where he HAD to sit. Which is not the case. Caleb is careful. I know a lot of parents pack PB & J and he knows he cant eat what is in other kids lunch. All I had asked in my call was where the kids with nut allergies ate when the school serves PB. Seems logical that they would have a safe place set aside for those kids to me.

When we got to his class this morning I introduced him and myself to his teachers and talked with them about his allergies and they said they knew there was a table that was only for kids with peanut allergies. I reminded them that IF Caleb wanted to sit there he was allowed to take 1 friend with a peanut free lunch. "Okay great" was their response. I said goodbye to my boy and went to meet the lunch lady. She assured me the only lunch day with nuts is the one PB & J sandwich and not to worry because they now had a table for the kids with nut allergies to sit at and no one else is allowed to sit there. I reminded her: He is allowed to bring one friend with a peanut free lunch. "Oh that's great" she responded. I'm starting to wonder if they think he is allergic to kids without allergies or nuts? Its unclear.

As I left this morning and saw the chaos and the inability of the staff at his school do anything simple like order and organization (ie:you cant drop your kid off at their classroom until you know their bus number and yet there is no list posted and the office has no idea what number the buses are - this happened last year too you can read about it here)
I knew I had to come for lunch!

I was in the back of the cafeteria and sure enough I saw his teacher point and tell him that was "his" table. I went over and sat down and he said Cicely was going to come sit with him. But she was put at a different table. A couple of boys with school lunches came and sat down and I let them sit there since their lunches were - peanut free -seems that it should not be a problem for them to sit at the peanut free table! Then I saw other kids with peanut free lunches turned away and told they had to sit somewhere else. Every single table in the cafeteria was overflowing with kids and then there was the Peanut free table where there were 3 kids and 1 mom. Had I not been there - Caleb would have been the only one at that table.

Imagine how that would feel to a 6 year old?

Looking around at a cafeteria full of overflowing, happy, talking, laughing kids and him sitting by himself at an empty table.

Seriously think about that - How would that make you feel? How would that make you feel to see your child in that situation?

That is when I almost picked him up and ran for the door, my heart was so sad. Really why cant this school follow simple directions from the nurse? Where is their compassion and caring for a child? Where was the friend he was told he could have? He is 6 years old! Who is watching out for him!?! Caleb was so excited to have a fruit roll up in his lunch he didn't notice. Sweet, sweet boy! Today it made him feel special because he had a special table.
How long will that last?

We had fun and he waved constantly to the stream of friends that passed by when they were done. Then I had to introduce him to Jewel the lunch lady and she asked what would happen if he did eat a nut. I told her he would throw up and that his blood pressure drops so quickly that he cant stay awake. In my head I saw it. Caleb getting up from the table and going into the bathroom where he would puke and then fall asleep on the bathroom floor.

No one to pick him up and hold him.
No one to make him chew a benadryl to stop the reaction.
How long would he be there?
Would they even know what to do when they found him?
Would the reaction get worse the longer he laid there?

Jewel told me that she was glad there was a peanut free table. She said last year there was a girl who would plug her nose and eat her lunch fast because even inhaling peanut smells in the air could make her sick. Did no one think that this girl deserved a little more dignity and safety?

I have heard so many people (sadly including people in my own family) say that "parents like me" cant expect everyone to bend over backwards for just one kid. Really, is that what you think? That I'm ranting, raving, and complaining because I want everyone to accommodate just my child out of convenience? What about advocating to save his life?

What about 18 childrens lives?

When are there enough to get rid of 1 PB & J sandwich a month? Its one sandwich! I'm not asking that kids from home be banned from PB, but does the school have to feed the majority of kids one PB & J sandwich a month?

After lunch I went to the office where I dropped off benadryl and got the same "okay, great, sure" responses I had been getting to everything I said all day. Yet the next minute they have no idea what the program is. How can I trust that they will know when to give benadryl and when to give the epi-pen. "If Caleb goes missing please have someone check all the bathroom stalls." Did that just come out of my mouth? Am I prepared to take chances like that. We don't know what would happen if he doesn't get Benadryl because someone has always been right there when he has had every reaction. Is his life at risk? According to the allergist - yes.

I found his teacher and explained for the 3rd time that he is allowed a friend at the table and that he does not have to sit there on days when the majority of kids have peanut free lunches. "Oh, okay great." The same response tumbled out so easily. I looked her in the eye and said "please be sure he has a friend to sit with, I don't want him sitting by himself." I spun on my heels as my voice broke and the tears started pouring from my eyes. I made it through the front doors before the first sob wracked my body. I didn't stop for 10 minutes.

I so get why people home school.
It looks so easy all of a sudden.

For all you out there that think that "parents like me" cant expect everyone to bend over backwards for just my kid. Remember the image of a small child sitting alone by himself in a packed cafeteria and realize what you are asking him to give up so your child can eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich! Remember the possibility I'm living with: my precious son might be lying in his vomit on the cold floor of a school bathroom all alone while his body attacks itself.

Is a PB & J sandwich worth that to you?
Which of us is the selfish and self centered parent?
Shame on Coral Canyon Elementary.
Shame on you.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Back to School Blues

Tomorrow Caleb starts his first day of 1st grade. I thought Kindergarten was hard....
We are prepared...I think
  • His homework station is all set up
  • His lunch box is packed except his sandwich
  • His backpack is by the door
  • His clothes are laid out
  • Lunch menus are printed and apt with Lunch lady in the morning to mark calendars for the days nuts are being served
  • Bus times ready
  • First Day of school cinnamon rolls in the fridge
  • Medication Administration Authorizations at Pediatrician
  • New allergy test paperwork ordered
  • Buying Benadryl for the the school
  • School Nurse now on speed dial
  • Been getting up at 6:30 everyday to read scriptures with Dad and to pray as a family this week
  • FHE lesson last night was on remembering that even when things are hard and they are not at home, they can still remember how much we love them. Taught them to remember to pray if they need help and Heavenly Father will be there with them. Caleb was so excited to know that Holy Ghost will go to school with him each day
  • John will give him a Fathers blessing tonight
I don't know what else to do but I still don't feel ready. Lunchtime complicates things with children with food allergy's - especially when they still serve PB & J as part of the school lunch. I think its so hard when you only have 1 going to school. I don't think it will be as bad with Davis, because I will know that he will have Caleb to watch out for him.

You have struggled to be independent for years now. I know you will be fine - in fact I know you will be great. You looked at Dad and I like we were crazy when we talked about if there are times when you don't feel you have friend. You have such a great personality and will charm everyone. Please remember to only eat your lunch. Please remember to listen when you are told. Most of all pleeeease remember that your mom loves you so much that it hurts to let you go.
I love you buddy,

Monday, August 9, 2010

Playing in the gutter

When we got home from camping we had to set the trailer up in the garage to let it dry out!

We went to Costco and when we came home it had been down pouring! It was one of those perfect summer storms where its hot and humid and it rains while the sun is still shining! We had fun driving through the puddles in the gutter and seeing how big of splashes we could make. Davis wanted to play in the overflowing gutter when we got home and we thought, why not? The boys dove right in splashing and playing!

John and I were cracking up at how much fun they were having racing their sandals down the gutter and splashing. John got the shovel out to clear a few tumbleweeds when from behind Davis kicked a bunch of water all over him and then took off running!

Their fun and splashing was then turned into this:

With even a little this:

Not even Beckham was spared!

Don't feel to sorry for the little instigators! They did their part for sure!

Warm showers and movie night topped the night off!

Pre-Pregnancy Weight At Last!

There it is!!! I'm so happy to say all the leftovers are gone from all 3 kids! I was a little nervous that my body would seem so different, and it definitely is don't get me wrong. But on the other hand I wasn't expecting good changes and there are some. I feel like the curves are a little better even if they are a little curvier. My body seems much more womanly if that makes any sense.

Did I also mention that this is the first time in our marriage that I think Ive weighted less than John. We were probably pretty close when we got married but I think I was a few pounds over him. Talk about hard on the self esteem :) But yesterday we both got on the scale and he was more than me!!!

Still 9 pounds to go to my original goal, but after looking at some height/weight charts I think I will have about 6 pounds to go after that. For now I'm going to leave my goal as is and then set a new one when I reach this one. I want to have a perfect week this week. I am only 5 pounds away from being "normal" in my BMI. Cant wait!!!

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Camping @ Panguitch Lake

We went for what will probably be our last camping trip this year. John wants to go on one more...and it would be fun but Beckham doesn't stay in camp, doesn't stay away from the fire, and doesn't stay in his bed at night! We will see...

We went our good friends the Steurer's and it was a blast. We got up there Friday at about 5:00 and set all up. We headed into town so that John could get a fishing license and Mom could be cool by buying $31 of junk food. I loooove being the cool mom!

Foil dinners and biscuits for dinner and then the boys went off fishing. They actually were able to catch some but Davis let one go while reeling it in and the second fish was let go when the hook went into someones finger. Ouch!

It was great to just sit and the fire and talk to the late hours of the morning with the Geoff and Jody. We love being with them. They uplift us and inspire us to be better people and every time we walk away from being with them we just feel happy. Plus Geoff has so much knowledge that we love to soak up and Jody just has great perspective. We really need to hang out with them more.

They boys had fun being boys out in the woods!

Beckham pretty much looked like this the whole time...

It was not a good trip for him or a good night for John and I. Poor guy threw up when we put him to bed and he is breaking his eye teeth and the last of his top molars. We finally all fell asleep only to wake up to the sound of rain on the canvas and thunder. There was some blue sky in the window so we laid around until about 8:00. The clouds coming in didn't look promising so we decided to break camp and head out to breakfast. The minute we started packing the storm really hit! It was constant thunder and pouring rain! We probably set a new record for breaking camp and were left drenched while the kids sat in the car eating lunchables. I was so wet, my pants would not stay up because they were so heavy!

Getting breakfast in Panguitch on a Saturday morning is apparently very difficult and we were finally served food at the Flying M at 10:30. We scarfed our food and all became civil again as our hunger needs were met. Riley and Andy had ordered the "biggest cinnamon roll you've ever seen" and it was huge. Caleb was so sad that he didn't get one and at the end of the meal they shared a little with him. We were too far away to see or think about the fact that it might have walnuts in it!

So Beckham sick, Beckham not sleeping, downpour, 2 hour wait for breakfast, Caleb having an allergic reaction. Sounds like a bad weekend. But it wasn't - we had a blast! We really had fun with the adventure of it all and just enjoying being together and laughing.

Friday, August 6, 2010


Beckham has me all excited because he is starting to talk! I know hes like 19 months old but our boys usually are pretty delayed talkers. Maybe this is when they started...I cant remember. Wish I had blogged when Caleb was a baby!
In my mind I just wasn't thinking "talking" until about 2. Plus he talks pretty clearly which is another thing our other boys were a little delayed in. Here is his vocabulary as of today...

Bye Bye
Night Night
Whats that?
There it is
See ya

He repeats everything we say so hes picking things up everyday.
It just seems he is exploding with language and I love it!

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

"In all of our lives, there comes a moment, an event, that suddenly realigns our life and makes us realize what really matters most."
-Noah beShea
I found some things out yesterday that realigned my life. Even if all of this turns out to be nothing I am and will forever be changed. Last night I lay in my bed crying, pleading with my body to stop the sobs that tore from deep in my soul. I felt selfish. I could only think about how I was not prepared for some of the possibilities that might be on the table. I'm not strong enough or old enough to deal with the possibility that my Mom might be mortal.

I still need her too much. I need her unconditional love and support as I blunder through my life. I need her quiet reassurance that I'm doing a good job. I need a friend to call when I cant call anyone else. Not even to talk with my problems about. Rather because I just want to talk with her. I am her masterpiece and its only through her eyes that I sometimes see my truest beauty and find my deepest acceptance. No one loves like a mother loves. That is what I believed last night.

But Mama do you know how much I love you?

I didn't fully comprehend the love a daughter has for her Mother until the
wee hours of the morning on Tuesday.

I love you Mom,

Playing catch up - Splash Pad

We most certainly have not done enough playing at splash pads this summer.

Caleb realized that when he puts the water squinter over the spray it will fill it for him! Smart boy!
And look when I go with friends - I can even prove I was there!We for sure will be going this Thursday. Any friends want to come?
We will be there bright and early at 8:30 so we can be out of there when the crowds come by 10:00. We will for sure have to hit the dollar store today for some of those boats!