Midnight choices

A few things have been on my mind lately. One of them is that Caleb goes back to school in 3 weeks. I can not wrap my mind around that. I'm not ready. I spend so much time worrying about other kids being nice to him and him making the right choices. Last night, as I lay in bed, that was weighing on my mind along with a few blog entry's I have read lately - one here at V and Co and one here at A Box of Chocolates.

When talking about her children this line from A Box of Chocolates haunted me:

They deserve everything I can give them.
Most of all, my time.

It hit me that the reason that I am not ready for Caleb to go to school is because I do not feel that I have prepared him this summer in the way that I wanted to. What started out as a need to have a little extra income has turned me into a 3 ring circus. I AM TO BUSY! There are to many things that I have to do that I don't have time for the things I need to do.

Last night I decided it was time to back away from many of the little projects that I am involved in, not because I want to - but because I have to. My children need me. They dont need me glued to the screen of this computer for "just another minute" because that inevitably is 5 minutes, or 10 minutes. I really have been excited about the opportunities that I have been given. In the end though, they are not where my priorities are. Those projects will go on without me, my children will not.

I prioritized last night and I know that I can not give up all of the work I have but I can give up most. I will continue to do photography. That is mine and I can do all my editing while my kids sleep. I arrange photo shoots around my schedule and it works with our family.

I will keep doing 2 blog posts a month for Janey Mac. It gives me a creative outlet and I get to create wonderful things for our home and I get 2 weeks to do it. It works with our family.

I will keep designing for Lash Out. I have a lot of time to do what I need to and I don't have to think about content - just design. I love that. I really like graphic design and I love that all I have to think about is colors and pictures. I don't have to come up with words or work with people. I get assignments, I have a given amount of time to complete it, it can all be done while my kids are in bed. When I am done, the project is done and I can check it off and let it go. I design on my time and it works with our family.

Lastly I will keep managing the rental that I do. I have a great renter and they pay me a lot for the little I do. Bonus they pay me to bug spray which allows us to buy the chemicals we need for our house and then some. I can do it on my time and it works with our family.

All of the other little projects, although not individually demanding, collectively are too much. I am running around too much and trying to keep to many balls in the air and I cant do that at the expense of my children. I think I have known that I needed to do this but I wanted to wait until I felt I had been able to do my best and get things where I felt okay to walk away from those projects. The problem is I don't have enough time to even get there.

Why don't I feel like I'm ready for Caleb to go back to school?
Guilt.

I don't feel that he knows he is my priority. I want him to know that when he goes to school, no matter how bad his day is, I am anxiously waiting for him to come home so that I can BE with him because he is so special. I want him to know and feel that he is a Rock Star! The center of my world!

I will have other opportunities in my life, but this is the only opportunity I have to raise these 3 beautiful boys. I can not let that pass. They mean more to me than anything and I choose them.

Sarah was right:
"They deserve everything I can give them. Most of all, my time."