Sunday, February 26, 2012

Sunday Snapshots 2.26.12

Davis was emptying the dishwasher and came walking up to me and said,
"look Mom I'm Captain Hook!"

New Angry Birds shirts from Gammy Pam and Uncle Rick

 Davis was in charge of a snack for school starting with "X" so we made x-ray cookies


Daddy found a pitching net at DI and we have had a lot of fun!
By the way...take pictures like this at your own risk - Dad might miss - and it hurts!

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Caleb Skiing Videos

What a stud! He did so great! Randy said he was way impressed with Caleb and how well he did. In this video he decided to try a jump!

This next video is not the greatest quality but you can see how steep some of the slopes they were doing are. He progressed so much in just 5 hours! I am so proud of him!

Got snow?

John took Caleb skiing and I just got these pictures sent me.

  Its a birthday present for both of them since Caleb got all his snow gear for his b-day!

I sure hope he likes it more than I did! I think he will. We are so lucky that we have an amazing ski instructor for a friend. He went up with them for the day to teach Caleb to ski.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Love this quote!

“Every woman is a homemaker. … There is an art to being a homemaker. For ourselves and for our families, it is important that we have a sanctuary—a place of refuge away from the world where we feel comfortable and where, if others come, they, too, can feel comfortable.” 

Relief Society General President Barbara Winder

Pam sent me this quote and it just hit home. Love it! 

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Didn't We Almost Have It All...

I haven't been able to actually sit and write these words out until now. I know its probably so lame but I was devastated when Whitney Houston died! So much so, I just pretended it wasn't real. I grew up on Whitney. My Mom loved her long before the Bodyguard days. My Mom would blast Whitney when she was cleaning, in the car, and on road trips.

I remember doing a lip sync in 4th grade for the Olinda talent show to "The Greatest Love of All" with my friend Marzette Greytack. I remember us practicing on the side of our house in our cool baggy sweatshirts and stretchy pants that were our costumes.

I have another great memory from my Freshman year of High School. I was driving home with my Mom from the Stake Seminary Scripture chase and I had won! I beat everyone out, including my older brother Brian who was in the finals with me. I wasn't exactly the coolest kid so this was a pretty big deal for me. As we were driving home in our big Van it was just me and my Mom. She got all teary and said she wanted to play me a song. Whitney sang me, "One Moment in Time." Its a funny memory but it is so distinct. In that moment I felt so great because my Mom was so proud of me.

After My Mom died I listened to Whitney - A LOT. It made me feel close to my Mom and her music brought me so much comfort. Somehow losing Whitney so soon after my Mom makes it hurt all over again.

I don't like singing solo.

Snow on Main Street

I just needed this video today. It reminds me of everything happy - Christmas, Disneyland, Family....

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Pinewood Derby!

We had fun with the pinewood derby this year. Caleb took a solid third place....ummmm in every singe race. There were 4 to a race so he never came in last! Poor guy was pretty disappointed but he got over it!

John had made a sa-weet outlaw car but threw up 8 minutes before it started. So Davis had to use an old car. It was also not a really swift car but there was one race where I put it on backwards and it beat the other 2 cars out. He was convinced he came in 1st place overall :)

We had a lot of fun!

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Valentines Day!

We had a fun Valentines Day!

Pink waffles for breakfast!

Fun lunches for the boys!

And our special V-day dinner!

Then the boys watched a movie while John and I cuddled and watched ours. The boys also took their first trip to Sees candy! They were not as impressed as I wanted them to be! Oh, well!

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Feeling loved

As Caleb was packing up his Valentines and his teachers little present he stopped, looked up at me, and said:

"Man, you are so creative Mom."

Melted my heart this Valentines day.

Monday, February 13, 2012

All wrapped up!

Its snowing but I am all cozy in my new warm quilt. The first quilt Ive made and actually had quilted.

My friend Leslie helped me start a quilt top from my Moms t-shirts. I finally finished putting it together and with my friend Andee's advice and encouragement I got the backing done too. Andee's Mom is a great quilter and she fixed a few places where it needed it, added the batting, and took my quilt to her quilter to have done and it looks amazing! She also fixed the back because I didn't have quite enough on it and then trimmed it all up for me. Seriously the support and kindness people have showed to help me get this done is so touching.

Each of the quilt blocks are done differently.

Around each of the blocks is a darling leaf pattern.

This is what the back looks like.

Andee's Mom is going to bind it for me too because she is the BEST!

Now I can get a hug from my Mom anytime I want. It means so much to me!

Birds and the Bees

This last Wednesday we had "the" talk with Caleb. It was great! Our neighbors took the little boys so we could have it just be us and Caleb. We first read Amazing You. Its a really good book that has cartoon pictures but explains everything pretty well. There are two pages that encourage masturbation but I just glued those two pages together since we don't encourage that in our home.

When you don't have sisters...things can kind of be a mystery! He had a few questions and wasn't weired out at all about it. I think sometimes people wait to long to have the talk because he hadn't heard anything at school yet so we got the first word - yea! Also its wasn't embarrassing at all - he didn't know to be embarrassed. It was as if we were teaching him math.

After we talked we went to the yogurt bar and chilled. It really was a good and relaxed night. My Mom was really good at being open and I want to be the same way with my boys.

So far so good!

Sunday, February 12, 2012


Ive talked to two people today that have also had Esophageal spasms and both went to the hospital in an ambulance too. One of them told me that his Dr told him the same nerves are effected in the spasms that are effected when you have a heart attack.

Makes me feel just a little less lame.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

I thought I had a heart attack

Not a fun sweet one for Valentines day but an actual heart attack.

There has been a tummy bug going around and on Thursday John and Beckham got it. Friday morning I woke up sick and knew I had it too. I hate throwing up. I do just about anything to not throw up. By 11:00ish it was inevitable and it finally happened. About 10 minutes after throwing up my stomach and chest started hurting and it kept getting worse and worse - until finally I couldn't breath. I called John in a panic. He said he was going to call our neighbor meanwhile I was pacing and trying to get some relief. It felt as if my heart and chest had gone into labor. It was squeezing so tight.

I was waiting for Lars to come over when it started to ease up. By the time he got here I felt sore but I could breath normally. I sent him home with an apology and called John to tell him how stupid I felt. As I was talking to John I could feel the squeezing start again. I yelled, "its coming again." He called Lars back and by the time he got here I was pacing, screaming, crying, grunting, gasping....Seriously so embarrassing! It passed and then another one started. By this time I was scared! I was clammy, sweating, and pale. John was on his way home but I told Lars to call 911. I had been debating. We don't have the money to pay for an ambulance but at the same time - we couldn't take the chance.

I cant remember much about that time other than just trying to survive. I'm glad we are tight with the Gardner's because I'm pretty sure I looked and acted like a crazy woman, but I have never felt pain like that in my life. Labor, kidney stones, gall bladder attack - none of it compared to this unknown heart pain! Davis came in and asked, "is my Mommy dying." It was terrifying. Andee had just arrived and Lars took both of my boys back to their house so they wouldn't have to be here when the paramedics came. We are so blessed with great neighbors!

John got here at the same time as the paramedics and that took a lot of the fear away. Seriously just seeing John brought so much relief! They immediately got me on oxygen and at first I was irritated by it but it started to help me calm down. They established immediately that it was not my heart. Which was a huge relief. But because of the severity of my pain they wanted to transport me.

At this point the pain started eased up some. I think it had to do with the oxygen and just knowing that I had help. I know before I had been panicing, but seriously if you cant breath - its hard not to panic! It still felt like there was an incredible amount of pressure in my chest and the top of my stomach but I could breathe. They had a heck of a time getting an IV in but they finally succeeded. They gave me 4 aspirin and at the hospital they gave me nitro glycerin just to be safe. They also ran blood work and did a chest x-ray.

Its not my heart - thanks goodness! I have no risk factors, its would have showed up in my blood work, and  chest x-ray. They finally came to the conclusion that my esophagus was having spasms from the throwing up. All I know is I NEVER want that to happen again.

They gave me Ativan and then told us we could go home. Not that we had thought to grab clothes (they put me in a gown before we left) or shoes. Thankfully the hospital gave me an old shirt and some socks. Pam came and picked us up since John had gone in the ambulance with me. We stopped and got me a sprite and also went and dropped our prescription off.

When we got home I was still pretty uncomfortable. John went and got the anti-nausea medication and I took that and was able to finally fall asleep. When I woke up the tightening was back, although not a severe. They hadn't given us anything else to take if the pain came back and when John called they told us we would have to go back in to get anything. I had John call and get me a Lunesta Pill. I knew if I could sleep well that everything would probably settle down on its own. I was scared to be alone though just in case I couldn't breathe again and thankfully Tasha came to sit with me.

The Lunesta worked well and I slept great last night and today I am okay, just sore. Holy cow am I sore! My whole body is just wiped out!

One funny note I had been pulling off the little monitoring stickers all over my body they use to test blood flow and my heart. I thought I had got them all, seriously I had pulled off like 12. I went to take a bath and when I took my shirt off I had 6 more that I didn't know about. Now I have goo that doesn't come off very easy all over me!

But I'm alive and my heart is healthy!

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

A chill pill

We were at the park yesterday for a long time. The kids were warm despite the cold temperatures and the breeze. Me, I was freezing despite my coat, scarf, and gloves. I couldn't get warm the rest of the day. Finally when all the Tuesday night activities were done and the kids were tucked into bed, I took a hot bath.

Right before I took my bath I decided to take a chill pill. The week my Mom passed my Dr prescribed me some anti anxiety pills. Just 10 of them and told me to take a quarter when things were rough because it would take the edge off without making me feel numb. It worked like a charm! I have used them over the last year when things would get to rough for me to handle.

As I soaked in the hot water last night I felt the coldness of my poor shivering body warm slowly as well as the coldness in my heart simply melt away.

I feel so much better today, so much more at peace. I'm lying here listening to Becks and Davis play happily together and feeling so content at this moment.

Heavenly Father gave us our agency, I cant change that - I wouldn't change that. I may not like the choices others make but I can protect my family from them. We have already made big strides in that direction. Now I just have to let the rest go. And I am...

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Bad thoughts

For about the last week Ive been struggling with bad thoughts. No, not naughty bad thoughts- but bad against other people. I was born a natural forgiver. I'm not braggin' here, but it does come pretty easy to me. Usually I cant hold a grudge if I want to! I remember telling my Mom I was never going to tell her my secrets again only to be dumping them all out within an hour.

The last few weeks Ive had a few people that have frustrated me and I'm not getting over it! Its kind of annoying. I feel mad for no reason all the time. I feel almost trapped in this little world of irritation. I know its not good but I don't really know what to do about. Usually it just goes away on its own.

Maybe its time I take my own advice, "Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die."

I know I'm only hurting our family and myself.

The fact of the matter is I don't like selfish people. I don't like being mislead and used. And I don't like when people try to use guilt and shame on others. I think I'm still festering because the offense was not just committed on me.  I have this really deep need for fairness and I'm ticked off right now at how unfair things are. The worst part is if I ever brought it up with the offending parties they would act victimized.


Friday, February 3, 2012

OTBM got a new home!

We went much more official! Over the Big Moon grew out of blogger and we have a new home!

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Im one lucky girl!

I woke up to find this waiting for me.

What a babe! It was so sweet that he remembered the little things that were important to me from her...and that he included a massage! It was the perfect way to start out my day! I think I am even more touched that he went to DI to find a cute basket to put it all in. Pinterest and decorative baskets - Johns turning into a softie!

What I learned about being a Mom... because I lost mine.

I wrote this post for Over the Big  Moon and wanted to share it here.

Exactly one year ago today, I held my Moms hand while she took her last breath and I felt her heart beat for the last time.

A short 6 months earlier my Mom had slurred her speech for the first time, igniting a month of intense doctor visits that ruled everything out but ALS- Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis - Lou Gehrig's disease. A terminal degenerative disease that comes with a life expectancy of approximately 2-5 years. Not for my Mom, she lived 4 1/2 short months from the time she was diagnosed.

We knew her condition seemed to be deteriorating faster than most cases of ALS. With my husband's blessing, I packed myself, Davis, and Beckham up, and when we went down to my parents home for Thanksgiving we didn't come back. We planned on staying for the entire month of December. If there was even a chance this was going to be my Moms last Christmas, I wanted to be there for every moment and every tradition. By the time Christmas rolled around my Dad and I were full time caregivers and she asked me not to go home.

My husband and friends were amazing and I was able to care for her until she peacefully slipped from this world into the next. It was the most difficult and the most amazing experience all at the same time. Here is what I learned about Motherhood while losing my own Mom.

A mothers love is irreplaceable. I know this is something we all "know" in our minds but I am telling you there is nothing in this world that provides the same security and comfort as the love of a Mother or the Mother figure in our life. They are like an emotional security blanket that keeps us safe and secure in our darkest days.

I was 32 when my Mom passed away. I had a loving husband and 3 wonderful sons, and yet I felt as if the world had collapsed around me. I lost my foundation and felt so vulnerable. We as Mothers have a power that can not be replicated or replaced anywhere! It was empowering for me, as a mother, to realize the impact my love and presence has on my childrens lives.

I learned you can make a lot of mistakes as a Mother and still be a great Mom. My Mom made mistakes - as many as I make each day. It does not mean that my children will be less than they could be otherwise. In fact, my mistakes are as good of a learning experience for my boys as my perfect mommy moments are. I have wasted so much of my energy as a Mom getting down on myself for my imperfections and when I lose my patience. The only thing that matters in the end is the love you have showed your children. That is what your children will remember.

I also learned how important it is to be kind to everyone. The kind smiles and benefit of the doubt when my Mom was disabled absolutely made our day! The hardest part of ALS is that you look and sound like you are handicapped, but your mind is as sharp as it ever was. You are the same person trapped in a body that is slowly becoming more paralyzed and useless. A few people treated her like she was not as smart as she use to be. It was humiliating and frustrating for her. We never know what is in a persons mind and heart. Kindness is always the right reaction.

I learned that people for the most part are kind, well-intentioned, and doing the best they can. There is so much good in the people around us! We are all so busy with the little things that occupy our time, that for the most part usually don't matter that much. When you have a life changing experience like this, for a small moment you are blessed with the clarity of what truly matters most.

Most of all I learned how rewarding it is to be a Mom and how blessed I am to have my sons. My Mom got so much joy and pride in who I had become. It was an honor to care for her in many of the same ways she had cared for me as a baby and child. What a blessing to give her that same unconditional love. It changed my life.

Pam had talked to me about starting a blog before all of this happened and I had brushed the idea off. But losing my Mom lit a fire in me to create this little space to honor her. In many ways this blog is my little tribute to her dedication and creativity. She was amazing and innovative. I love sharing the tips and tricks she taught me, as well as the passion she had for creating a "home." She was one of the most dedicated Mothers ever! She always placed her family as her first priority. I am so blessed that I was her daughter.

I have fought back the waves of sadness that rolled in this week. It has been a year - a whole year- I have been forced to live without her. I miss her comments on my blog, I miss calling her when I have a bad day, I miss calling her when I have a great day, and I calling her to come save the day! She understood me in a way that no else does. I miss having someone who knows me so completely and still loved me so unconditionally.

And then today I was flooded with a sense of peace when I realized that the only thing that separates me from my Mom now is time. Each year that passes brings me one year closer to seeing her again. So today I don't mourn that she has been gone for a year, today I am going to celebrate being one year closer to being reunited with her.

My boys saying "goodnight" to Grandma.

Love you Mommers.You are the best guardian angel a girl could ask for!