Alone...

There is something special about female companionship. Specifically those in a direct family line.

Grandmother -Mother - Sister - Daughter

Its like each generation can in their turn refine the woman that is made up by their family traits. In each new generation there is a new hope and pride. I could always be myself with my Grandmothers and I can be myself without reservations when I'm with my Mom. I'm free to be me because they understand who I am in a way that one else can because they can see themselves in me. This in no way diminishes the amazing relationships that we can have with sister-in-laws, or grandmother-in laws. But there is something special about those that you share the same genetics and family experiences with. They can understand you in a way that no one else can.

My grandmothers have passed away....
I never had a sister...
I didn't have a daughter...
And now I'm going to lose my Mother much to early.

I will be left the only woman in my immediate family line.
Grandfather, Father, Brothers, Sons. But no women.

That scares me and makes me feel alone. For one brief second I wanted to get pregnant and give my Mom the granddaughter she always longed for. I never understood why that was so important to her, until now. Maybe she intuitively knew that I would feel alone in a family of men and that I would feel that there would be no one left to really understand me. Deep down I think she knew what I couldn't see, and she didn't want to eventually leave me alone. But eventually may have found a way of coming faster than any of us imagined.

We still have one glimmer of hope that what she is experiencing is not ALS - more commonly known as Lou Gehrig's disease. I am praying harder than anything for Myasthenia gravis because then I will know that our time together will not be limited to 2-5 years. Unfortunately both my Mom and my hearts have felt from the day the symptoms have become more clear that it is ALS.

I have never wanted to be wrong so bad in my life.