Wednesday, January 19, 2011


It turns out that this is hard. I know real shocker - but I don't mean hard, I mean really

There are so many dimensions of the dynamics I wasn't prepared for. When I came back to CA everything was different. It seems I was gone during one of the most significant corners, at least for me. Before my Mom was sick, but now she is dying. I don't know how to describe it but its like you can literally see how the life inside of her is leaving, how her light is growing dimmer.

We have hired some great caregivers and they are heaven sent. They are so good in fact that my Mom doesn't need me as much as she did before. They bring her the comfort I once provided. I know that its good for her to have someone like that, someone who can care for her without all of the complicated emotions of being family, but its still hard. I have learned that family members are not necessarily the best caregivers when such intense care is needed.
I know it in my head, my heart just doesn't understand.

There are dynamics too complicated and too painful that I could never write about them here, perhaps even to hard to write about anywhere. They leave me feeling so.................I actually can not come up with an adjective that is even close to adequately describe what I feel inside.

What I really didn't expect was the self doubt involved in this process. In so many ways I have become more grounded then ever before. But then there are things that make me doubt what I am grounded in. Not just my choices but who I am inside. What if everything I believe about myself is wrong and distorted. I never expected to question the fundamentals of who I am because of the way I am perceived by those around me.

I am sure this is all just part of grief, but I have had just about enough of grief and its process. It sure feels a lot like dating a bad boyfriend, only this time I cant break up and walk away.

In fact, in many ways it hasn't even really begun.