Homesick

Last night I stayed up until 2:00 in the morning reading. Pam gave me a book about a girl who feels called to go to Romania to help the Orphans there. I was mesmerised. Reading her story was like going through it all again. I could see and feel everything she was feeling. It was a surreal experience. From the airports, taxis, roads, stray dogs, Gypsies, to the public transportation, the smells on the streets, the people, the churches, the Internet cafes. Most of all the look of the cribs lining the walls, the smells that only changing diapers twice a day brings, the receiving blankets as diapers, and most especially the empty looks of the babies.
It was like I got to experience it all again for the first time.

I was so homesick last night for Romania.

When I finally went to bed I cried myself to sleep the ache was so deep. I want to go back. Its a call that I cant explain but it pulls at my heart. It was only 3 months of my life but it had more impact than anything else I have ever done. Ever.

It made me who I am. It gave me strength to know I could do anything. It gave me confidence. It gave me perspective for life.

I want to share that with John. It is so important to me that he gets so share that part of me. To understand that part of me that no one but Rachel and Kirsten can right now. I was so tempted to just buy tickets and go. Worry about everything else later. Flights alone for 2 people are $2040. I checked. I have never been tempted to have credit card debit until last night.

I thought of each of my babies.
My little Narcis will be 13 this year. I cant even imagine that. He was Becks age when I was there.
Does he remember that for 3 months of his life he was loved by a mother. Does he know that being a Mother to my own children feels no differently than what I felt for him there.

What ever happened to my little Mariana, Roxana, Nicolina, Florin, Andrei....

I toured Iasi in my mind. My city, my home. I am starting to forget where each of the streets meet up. I was uncertain if I could walk the back streets over the railroad tracks to get to the orphanage.

I'm so afraid things are going to be different when I go back.
I'm so afraid things will be the same when I go back.

It hurts so much to not know when we will ever be able to go back. I want to take our boys. I want them to understand. I want John to understand.

I want to recapture the fire that Romania pulsed into my body.
It gave me life in a way I have never experienced.