Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Why preterm labor is so STINKIN' hard!

Ive been thinking about this a lot lately as I can feel myself sink into a hole of sorts and well, I have a lot of time to sit and think. With Caleb I was totally unprepared for what happened and when I was stuck in the hospital and on bed rest for 8 weeks I really did not do well. I was depressed but instead of withdrawing I became very vocal and bossy and obnoxious. It lasted through some pretty serious postpartum depression that I was totally unaware of until Caleb was about 8 months old and then it just felt like I woke up, or broke free. Ive always regretted that time and always told myself that if I ever went through it again I would do better the second time around.

Well...I think its like saying if I get a cold, I WILL NOT get a runny nose! Some things just come with the territory. I am handling it better because I am more prepared but Ive spent a lot of time thinking about it and here is what I have come up with...
  • When you are told to be on light activity you in essence become more idle. Sure who doesn't want to sit around be waited on, watch movies, and read all day. Sounds great but in essence it makes me feel lazy and that is not good for the spirit. Being productive and saying, "look what I accomplished today" is good for the soul. While laying around all day makes you feel like you are literally weighted down. Everyone feels yucky when they feel lazy
  • It is extremely hard to lounge around while watching others do things for you. John works hard all day and then he comes home, helps with dinner, does dishes, straightens up, get kiddos ready for bed all while I sit on the couch and watch him do this. How unfair is that? I feel selfish and like I'm not being his partner but that I'm making him do all the work. John does not make me feel this way, I do it to myself.
  • My poor kiddos want to have fun with mommy. Sure I can give them attention but having them on the couch to read with me is torture on my tummy. They cant help but jump on my tummy, hit me in the tummy, push against my tummy. So what happens, they get the brush off. They watch a lot of TV and I do try to do some fun activities with paint or play dough that will keep them busy but then its messy and so we are back to me feeling guilty about not cleaning up after myself. What happens....my kiddos are bored and frustrated so they act out, which frustrates me, so I'm cranky, which makes them more cranky....and thus the cycle begins as does the guilt that I'm not being a good mom
  • I always tell Caleb to do his best. It doesn't matter how he does as long as its his best...well to me doing your best means working hard. So I'm doing my best to not work hard...doesn't make much sense to my subconscious.
  • Then comes everyone being nice and wanting to serve me. I need this but its really hard to swallow because I was raised that you are responsible and take care of yourself. Its a hard economy right now and people are feeding our family! My parents and brothers family will each drive to care for my kids, not to mention to feed them. I would love to be able to reimburse everyone for these kind things but I cant, so I feel guilty. Its hard to accept service, its hard to say I cant take care on myself....
Now before you all start commenting about how I should not feel this way (and this will help me see who really reads my whole post-J/K) I KNOW I shouldn't feel this way. I have to do this for Beckhams sake. So now not only do I feel this way but I feel bad for feeling this way because I know I shouldn't feel this way!

See how messed up my mind is! At first I was hesitant about the kiddos leaving for an extended time but now I know that it is what is best for them, Beckham, me, and John. Only problem is how do I feel good about being on "vacation" in my own home when everyone else is dealing with my kids on top of their own responsibilities! Don't get me wrong, I am full of gratitude it just comes with a nice side helping of guilt.

Emotionally its just a lot. I have a long list of "idle" activities that I can do that will help me stay busy but resting while the kids are gone. I really am grateful for everyones service, its just hard to swallow sometimes. I'm the one that is suppose to help people, not need help! Oh, the life of being a human incubator...there is so much emotion to deal with that its gets so hard to be in my own head sometimes.

Thanks for listening to my rant, I know that one day I will be happy that I got this all out so that I can remember what I was feeling and that I will look back and it will seem like such a short amount of time and such a small sacrifice for another beautiful boy, but for now....I'm overwhelmed emotionally!

9 comments:

jakenapril said...

i totally understand how you feel, and how messed up your mind is...in a good way! it's harder because you are such a super mom and it's hard to not feel so super when you really are being super--if that makes sense. you are doing right by beckham, you know that, but when you are a busy, on-the-go type of person (like myself, which is why i sympathize) it's hard to relax. jake is always trying to get me to sit down and relax. he doesn't know how hard for me that is. and i'm guessing it's pretty hard for you as well. but it will all be well in the end...you are right. i just wish i could be there to help you. i'm thinking of you and praying for you...keep us posted!

The Hamlin Family said...

I am so sorry you are going through this. It must be so draining emotionally...not being able to do anything at all. I think that by you feeling guilty, it is actually a way of expressing your appreciation to others. Your family and friends know how grateful you are for their service. Plus, even though you aren't able to do a whole lot with your kids...they feel your love just by talking to them and giving them the attention that they need and want. You are an awesome mom...doing all you can to make sure that your little Beckham gets here safe and sound. Just picture yourself holding your new little boy...and knowing that even though "life" has to be on hold right now...it is worth it in the end!!! Hang in there!!!

PS...And I'm sure John doesn't mind helping you out... :)

Grandma Caroline said...

It makes me feel sad to know you feel that way. I understand why you feel that way, but it's hard for a mom to see her baby girl hurting so much. Look at us taking the boys as a real opportunity for your boys to get to know their grandparents in a way that they couldn't get to know them any other way.

Also, don't hurt unnecessarily, if you start feeling depression, get some help from the Dr. There is nothing wrong or bad about having your hormones going nuts on you. That's one thing you can't control.

C, D, and S Henderson said...

We all love you and want to be there to help! Just think, you are giving others the opportunity to grow spiritually through the service they are giving you! In a sense you are helping them to reach their eternal potential! Heavenly Father has a reason for everything and this is his way of allowing the people around you to grow through choosing to serve. It'll all be better soon!

Annie said...

Okay, I won't say you shouldn't feel that way but I have to say I don't know anyone in their right mind who would go through the things you're going through and not feel that way. Hang in there! I'm sure Beckham is so grateful you're doing all you're doing for him!

Mark and/or Lisa said...

Allow me to give you the advice I like to give Lisa when she's feeling down...."When you chance to meet a frown, do not let is stay..."....it's usually at this point I find a pillow or anything else in her arms reach traveling toward my face at an alarming rate of speed. Hope things get well soon :)

Sara said...

What an emotional rollercoaster. I'm sorry your are going through so much. Just think about how much you are blessing the lives of others as they can now serve you. If I was closer, I would love to come help out!

Mark and/or Lisa said...

Lisa, I definitely know how you feel when you say you feel guilty and like you're not being a good mom when you're not able to do the things you'd like to with/for your kids. I feel like that all the time with my health issues and I feel bad for Kam because I know all this affects his life as well as mine (and Mark's). I have to remind myself to not compare myself to "normal" people and all they do in a day, and to find happiness in small packets or moments in the day to pull me through, like a special moment with Kam. Being sick has helped me put things into perspective better, and to really watch for and appreciate moments with my family that make me realize I really am blessed and to forget about my problems for a little bit. It has also really helped me to have a hobby to look forward to doing (my shirts) and give me a sense of accomplishment; I wonder if something like that might help you feel less lazy and more productive. Also remember that this trial of yours has a finite end as soon as Beckham's born, so it won't always be like this. But I know it's hard and I definitely understand how physical trials affect the spirit as well as the body. Call me if you ever want to talk.

Amy said...

Dear Sweet Lisa -- wow. I'm going to call my mom and tell her how very much I love her! These darn physical bodies. I wish I could come over and talk or read or watch with you! No advice - just love. I wish I could just throw my arms around you and give you a great big enormous hug!! You will of course come out on the other side of this - I just wish I could speed up time for you! So many people love you! Including little Beckham and his children and their children and their children... and me.