Why preterm labor is so STINKIN' hard!

Ive been thinking about this a lot lately as I can feel myself sink into a hole of sorts and well, I have a lot of time to sit and think. With Caleb I was totally unprepared for what happened and when I was stuck in the hospital and on bed rest for 8 weeks I really did not do well. I was depressed but instead of withdrawing I became very vocal and bossy and obnoxious. It lasted through some pretty serious postpartum depression that I was totally unaware of until Caleb was about 8 months old and then it just felt like I woke up, or broke free. Ive always regretted that time and always told myself that if I ever went through it again I would do better the second time around.

Well...I think its like saying if I get a cold, I WILL NOT get a runny nose! Some things just come with the territory. I am handling it better because I am more prepared but Ive spent a lot of time thinking about it and here is what I have come up with...

• When you are told to be on light activity you in essence become more idle. Sure who doesn't want to sit around be waited on, watch movies, and read all day. Sounds great but in essence it makes me feel lazy and that is not good for the spirit. Being productive and saying, "look what I accomplished today" is good for the soul. While laying around all day makes you feel like you are literally weighted down. Everyone feels yucky when they feel lazy
• It is extremely hard to lounge around while watching others do things for you. John works hard all day and then he comes home, helps with dinner, does dishes, straightens up, get kiddos ready for bed all while I sit on the couch and watch him do this. How unfair is that? I feel selfish and like I'm not being his partner but that I'm making him do all the work. John does not make me feel this way, I do it to myself.
  
• My poor kiddos want to have fun with mommy. Sure I can give them attention but having them on the couch to read with me is torture on my tummy. They cant help but jump on my tummy, hit me in the tummy, push against my tummy. So what happens, they get the brush off. They watch a lot of TV and I do try to do some fun activities with paint or play dough that will keep them busy but then its messy and so we are back to me feeling guilty about not cleaning up after myself. What happens....my kiddos are bored and frustrated so they act out, which frustrates me, so I'm cranky, which makes them more cranky....and thus the cycle begins as does the guilt that I'm not being a good mom
• I always tell Caleb to do his best. It doesn't matter how he does as long as its his best...well to me doing your best means working hard. So I'm doing my best to not work hard...doesn't make much sense to my subconscious.
  
• Then comes everyone being nice and wanting to serve me. I need this but its really hard to swallow because I was raised that you are responsible and take care of yourself. Its a hard economy right now and people are feeding our family! My parents and brothers family will each drive to care for my kids, not to mention to feed them. I would love to be able to reimburse everyone for these kind things but I cant, so I feel guilty. Its hard to accept service, its hard to say I cant take care on myself....

Now before you all start commenting about how I should not feel this way (and this will help me see who really reads my whole post-J/K) I KNOW I shouldn't feel this way. I have to do this for Beckhams sake. So now not only do I feel this way but I feel bad for feeling this way because I know I shouldn't feel this way!

See how messed up my mind is! At first I was hesitant about the kiddos leaving for an extended time but now I know that it is what is best for them, Beckham, me, and John. Only problem is how do I feel good about being on "vacation" in my own home when everyone else is dealing with my kids on top of their own responsibilities! Don't get me wrong, I am full of gratitude it just comes with a nice side helping of guilt.

Emotionally its just a lot. I have a long list of "idle" activities that I can do that will help me stay busy but resting while the kids are gone. I really am grateful for everyones service, its just hard to swallow sometimes. I'm the one that is suppose to help people, not need help! Oh, the life of being a human incubator...there is so much emotion to deal with that its gets so hard to be in my own head sometimes.

Thanks for listening to my rant, I know that one day I will be happy that I got this all out so that I can remember what I was feeling and that I will look back and it will seem like such a short amount of time and such a small sacrifice for another beautiful boy, but for now....I'm overwhelmed emotionally!