Sunday, January 29, 2012

Why its been so hard...

*Because of this post I decided to make my blog private a few days early. If you were a previous reader, you didn't have to re-accept an invite. Welcome to our private blog!

So the last few weeks have been hard. Gut -wrenching hard. I had come to a good place with my Moms passing, and in most ways I am still there. But recently I have had several acquaintances my age get cancer. Really? Its been a weird and crazy realization that maybe I'm getting older, but still I am way to young to have people my age getting cancer (or at least I feel like I am).

In every case when they get sick I have watched as their Mother has swooped in and helped make it okay - help bear the burden of illness and the pain. I also have seen how the Mother-in-law is a huge comforting presence and help too. And it hit me - I don't have either.

I haven't ever posted much about our relationship with Johns parents but its not good. By Johns choice we don't have any contact with them. Summed up - they are abusive and only think of themselves. They would be the last place I could ever find comfort or a loving helping hand.

And that is just the reality of my life right at this moment. I don't have a mother or mother in law that is available to sweep in and save the day. I don't want to hurt anyone by saying that - I know I have a lot of support and a lot of amazing women in my life....but its not the same. I wish it was, but its just not.

I know its a really lame thing to be so worried about when its not even an issue. Its just a fresh slap of reality hitting the same week as my Moms 1 year passing anniversary. I always held out hope that one day things would be okay between us and Johns Mom, but it is evident that we wont ever have that relationship. Maybe I'm mourning that loss right now as well.

Ive just felt alone. Its not rational but the feeling are real none the less. I saw this on Pinterest and it really hit home.

Trust me. Its true.


Pam from Over the Big Moon said...

Love you lady! I know it's not the same... but I am always here for you!

Dominique said...

Lisa, you are so awesome! I read your blog every time and am just in awe of how you encapsulate thoughts and feelings into your posts so beautifully. Your family is in our thoughts and prayers at this time and always. I know Heavenly Father will bless you with people who will do their best to fill the void of your mom and MIL at your time of need. He knows what you need and will prompt others rise to the occasion. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Hugs from Mark's best HTing family.

jakenapril said...

you never cease to amaze me, lis. seriously. your mom would be more than proud of you. and i know it's not the same. even though both my mom and my mil are alive it's not like i can call on them for help. they are, sadly, last, if ever, on my call list. bummer. sure love you...tons and tons, to the moon and back, and then again.
you and your family are in my heart...especially this week. xx