Why its been so hard...

*Because of this post I decided to make my blog private a few days early. If you were a previous reader, you didn't have to re-accept an invite. Welcome to our private blog!

So the last few weeks have been hard. Gut -wrenching hard. I had come to a good place with my Moms passing, and in most ways I am still there. But recently I have had several acquaintances my age get cancer. Really? Its been a weird and crazy realization that maybe I'm getting older, but still I am way to young to have people my age getting cancer (or at least I feel like I am).

In every case when they get sick I have watched as their Mother has swooped in and helped make it okay - help bear the burden of illness and the pain. I also have seen how the Mother-in-law is a huge comforting presence and help too. And it hit me - I don't have either.

I haven't ever posted much about our relationship with Johns parents but its not good. By Johns choice we don't have any contact with them. Summed up - they are abusive and only think of themselves. They would be the last place I could ever find comfort or a loving helping hand.

And that is just the reality of my life right at this moment. I don't have a mother or mother in law that is available to sweep in and save the day. I don't want to hurt anyone by saying that - I know I have a lot of support and a lot of amazing women in my life....but its not the same. I wish it was, but its just not.

I know its a really lame thing to be so worried about when its not even an issue. Its just a fresh slap of reality hitting the same week as my Moms 1 year passing anniversary. I always held out hope that one day things would be okay between us and Johns Mom, but it is evident that we wont ever have that relationship. Maybe I'm mourning that loss right now as well.

Ive just felt alone. Its not rational but the feeling are real none the less. I saw this on Pinterest and it really hit home.

Trust me. Its true.

Sunday Snapshots [1.29.12]

The marble run made a comeback this week!

Lots of love notes being passed through our mailboxes - one morning Bullet even got one :)


I've been sewing! The Ping Pong table top is the perfect workspace!


My Moms t-shirt quilt all ready to take to the quilter!




We had 8 boys (and 1 poor girl) over for Movie night this Friday. The boxing gloves were a hit - literally!


I paid these boys a quarter each to build Becks a cool track with all our GeoTrax and they did an awesome job!

Overwhelmed

Everywhere I turn there is someone passing away, someone new battling cancer, some heartbreak. I don't know if its because these people are my age that is making me so sensitive, or if its realizing that we are a week shy of my Mom's 1 year passing.

Either way - everything feels so heavy right now.

Rubbing it in

John and I are both feeling a little sore with our immunizations today. We have prescription for Malaria, travelers diarrhea (lovely), and a host of other things they will kill that we can catch along the way. We were told to drink lots of soda because its the safest thing to drink over there! Wha-whoo! It still seems so unreal. I put our mosquito spray and clothes spray in our little box we have going with all of the stuff we are collection to take with us.

I'm SO excited!

A snack for the letter Q

I signed up (not intentionally) to bring a snack for Davis' preschool starting with the letter Q. I was stumped! I finally settled on doing Q shaped cookies but I was not thrilled with how boring it was. I was talking to the boys in the cars about it and Davis said, "Mom Q is easy - Q-cumbers!"

Seriously he is so clever!!!

Three!

That right - Beckham turned 3! We started the morning off with some waffles. I had seen some cake batter ones on Pinterest but were told they were not good but they did give me the idea to put sprinkles over the syrup. Becks loved it!

Our day was awesome! Caleb and Davis both got him a new Thomas the Train and they gave them to him first thing in the morning. Then Davis helped him make a cool track to play with. I was walking by and saw this:

It melted my heart. That is my boy's life. I decided to get my camera out and just lay down and snap pics for a while. For me they are priceless.

He requested Grandma's Macaroni and Cheese for dinner with salad. Poor guy - I forgot he wanted peaches to. He loves canned peaches! If I pull them out he says, "yea, yea, yea!" While jumping up and down.

He rocked the musical VIP mug and chair cover from my childhood!

Then we had a double layer ice cream cake made out of ice cream sandwiches and whip cream!

I think he liked it!

Happy Birthday Becks. You are getting so old and independent but you still cling to being the "baby." You are wild, head strong, and tough as nails most of the time. You are mischievous and a cuddler all in one. Some much of you is opposites. You are a wonder. One thing is sure, you love attention and you love to around people! We love you!

A season of change

I cant sleep. Its 4:00 in the morning and I have thoughts swirling in my head so I figured I would get them out.

Lately things have been changing around here. Its been slow and steady but its enough that I'm starting to recognize the changes. I remember not too long ago thinking that being a Mom was so hard at times. I counted down the seconds until John would walk in the door so I could get some relief from the incessant needs of three little boys. Girls night outs could not come frequent enough because I just needed some time to get out and remember what it felt like not to be climbed on, spilled on, and nagged on.

But that it changing. I was talking to a friend of mine a couple of days ago. She and I went through that stage of transitioning to our third together and now we are both transitioning into this new stage too. She said, "I don't feel like I need breaks anymore." Its true. I'm getting enough natural breaks as it is. Caleb and Davis are fully functioning. No need to get them dressed, or putting their shoes on, and Beckham is (slowly) working toward that same independence.

I love the afternoon time when I finally have all of my duckings home. 4:00 until Daddy comes home use to be a nightmare but now its fast becoming my favorite time of day. I love to chat with Caleb about his day and work with him on homework. Sometimes a girls night seems kind of inconvenient because I love that time at night we have to hang out together. If I have a night away I want to spend it with John. Mostly I just want to be here with all of my boys together.

I still have my days and my moments, don't get me wrong. But I am definitely starting a new stage of life. I was never a huge baby person. I loved my babies - don't misunderstand! I just always knew I would enjoy this time more, and I am. It is SO fun!

Next year Davis will be in Kindergarten and Beckham will be in preschool. That means that I will be all alone for 5 hours a week! I can shop alone! Yea! The next year Davis will be gone like Caleb. 8-4 and Becks will be in preschool 4 days a week. Then its half days alone....it changes so fast.

A part of me feels guilty and is having a hard time adjusting to having so much time for myself. As it is right now I can send my boys out to play and really I don't have to worry about them too much. I can start to have a clean house again :) I am planning better meals and trying new recipes again. I am working on projects and not being interrupted a thousand times.

Its true what they say that the time flies by. It doesn't feel like that long ago I felt it would never end, and yet here I am. I love being a Mom. It use to be so much more demanding than it is now. I know that this time will present its own challenges and maybe I just feel more ready for them. I am more confident than I use to be and so are my kids. We have a great relationship and are able to joke and play. I love spending time with them and enjoying their little personalities. 

I am so lucky to have been a stay at home Mom to them in their baby years, It was hard. There is no denying that. But I feel like the rewards of making it through that time are paying off immensely. I wont lie its hard to not feel a little selfish at the time I now have for myself. But balance is coming back and I have the time to take care of myself now too.

Its like that moment in spring when the blossoms are opening on all the trees after a long winter. It fills you with joy and rejuvenates your soul. Thus are the seasons of life!

Happy Birthday Savannah!

Beckham and Savannah were born just hours apart. 

We claim her as our sister.

We love you Savannah!

Out of the mouth of my babes...

I tried my hair curly yesterday and when I woke up this morning I could tell that I had some serious bed head. Davis walked in saw me and stopped and said: "Wo, Mom you look like a girl Rock Star!"

Last Family Night we were talking about Miracles and asking the boys if they could think of some miracles. Caleb was so excited! "I have one. Bullet is our miracle!" And a miracle he is. He is the only remaining fish of our 8!

Goodbye ol' tent trailer

Sadly when we got our new tent trailer that meant we inevitably had to get rid of our old one. It was sad for me because I have so many great memories in her. Luckily we made sure she went to a good home and she just moved behind us. I can still see her everyday :)

What is so cool about tent trailers is all of the stuff they can hold. Check out how much I pulled out of our trailer!

My Mom had it packed so well and organized! I wanted to share some of the vintage items I found - you can bet they moved into our new trailer with us!

 Dishes

Tupperware

 Towels

Medicine kit - don't worry she added a bottle of Jack Daniels for emergencies in there!

Tackle box

Propane

Kettle and dustpan- one of us kids made the dustpan in metal shop.

Check out these Coleman mantles!

I totally remember this pencil from when my Mom turned 40!

1968 Emergency guidelines from the Department of Defense.

This was a treasure for me. My Moms camping menu...

 Recipes....

and packing list!

I miss her writing. I even found an apron with her name on it. Don't miss out on seeing the lovely pot stands its resting on.

It was such a fun walk down memory lane! Lets have one more inside tour...

Washcloth holders

Inside of the silverware drawer

   

Awesome curtains!

The Dixie cup holder as well as our toothbrush holder that she added a toothpaste holder to.

We will miss you sweet Trailer!

Guess who has been pinning?

Johns learned how to use Pinterest and hes pretty into it. No biggie.

Okay, okay so maybe its only for the Philippines sites hes finding. Still he doesn't roll his eyes at me anymore!

Time to lay it on the line.

I feel a bit like Oprah. I worked so hard to take the weight off only to gain some of it back. BUT...

So its time to start again so I can be great.

I'm a little embarrassed. There is no hiding that. But I want to lose 22 pounds before we leave for Cebu. 12 weeks. That's almost 2 pounds a week.

John and I got P90X but I don't think I'm ready for that. So I'm doing Slim in 6 and I bought some Zumba DVD's. I really need to tone. That's the number one thing. So from now until we leave I will be exercising 6 days a week. I will report in every Monday here on my blog.

Lastly if I can just remember this:

I should be good. But seriously:

:-) So true. 

Okay, I have problems. I'm aware of them. That's why I'm back where I'm at. But...

IVE DONE IT BEFORE. 

I CAN DO IT AGAIN!