Thursday, December 29, 2011


I thought with this being a break week from Over the Big Moon I would have so much time to catch up here on this blog...wrong! My mind has been bombarded with thoughts about my goals for this upcoming year. I am a goal setter but last year at this time I didn't make any. I didn't want to put pressure on myself because so much was still unknown at that point with my Mom. I was living in CA indefinitely and not really sure how I was going to handle her passing. It was a really good thought, but in reality I have felt little lost without my normal goals.

Maybe it was best though...maybe it gave me the time I needed to grieve so I could get to where I'm at.  I feel anxious and prepared to move forward. I have been ready to tackle my life and get things in order. But in order to do that it meant I had to tackle Christmas! I knew it was going to be a bear of a project - and it has been! Our house was completely torn apart and full of boxes for 2 days!

When all the boxes were removed though I found the most amazing house was a blank slate! A very dirty blank slate, but nonetheless it was empty! What an opportunity to really scrub my house clean and then redecorate and update things. We have lived here for 4 years and a lot of things just need to be freshened up.

So that's where I'm at. I'm scrubbing the tops of cupboards and filling holes in walls. Next I will be breaking out the touch up paint and scouring DI for new treasures to add to our decor.

I know I will never really be done grieving but I do feel like I have hit a milestone. I'm ready to move on from the pain. I feel guilty in some ways saying that because I don't want it so seem like I'm moving on from my Mom - I'm not - I'm just moving forward. Moving forward with a new outlook and a renewed sense of esteem in myself for having done the best I could, and having cared for her in a way I am proud of.

I wasn't perfect by any means. No one can be when  faced with such an emotional trial. But I can honestly say I did everything in my power to make my Mom comfortable and happy for those last months of her life. I gave her the respect she deserved and treated her with dignity. I got to sacrifice for her the same way she had always sacrificed for me. I gave her care all of my heart - just as she always cared for me. Her last gift to me was the self esteem created through her care. Its hard to describe but I have a confidence in myself that I have never had before.

I will love my Mom forever. She will always be a part of me and who I am because she is the one who created me, loved me, and sacrificed so much of what she wanted to give me what I needed. She taught me to work and instilled in me the belief that I can do anything. I don't think there is any more important lesson she could have taught me. The courage and confidence to try new things with the ability to work hard at them to succeed.

I really didn't mean for this post to be more than a little blurb about cleaning but the thoughts have just poured out of me as I have sat here typing. It feels good to define all of the swirling chaotic thoughts in my head.

I am really excited for 2012. I think its going to be a great year for our family. We have learned so much from 2011 and now are ready to move into the next chapter of our life!

PS. Can I just add how happy I am that the next chapter does not include diapers and diaper bags! WHA-WHOO!!!