Sunday, May 15, 2011

I can (hopefully) do hard things too

Two days before Thanksgiving I gave my Mom this necklace. I had seen it in the r house couture shop and loved it. As the reality of my Moms diagnosis sank in deeper and deeper I couldn't get my mind of the necklace. I thought about getting it for her for Christmas but when you know your dying...why wait. I gave my Mom all her presents before Christmas this last year - Carpe Diem! :)

On Thanksgiving day each year she walked a 5K in Palm Springs. She had spent the last year working so hard getting healthy, eating clean, and getting strong and yet she would be forced to ride in a wheelchair this year. I knew it was going to be a bitter disappointment for her so I gave her the necklace the night before the walk. When I saw the emotion on her face as she read the message I was glad to see that she too was extremely touched by the simple message.

Thanksgiving Day 2010

Now the necklace graces my neck.

I have been having a really hard time lately. Her birthday, the 3 month anniversary of her passing, and Mothers Day all within 2 weeks was brutal. I fell behind in everything! The fog that seemed to permeate my mind while she was sick returned. I don't know how to describe it but no matter how hard I try to remember things and care about things everything just leaks out and I'm left with a misty fog that prohibits any sort of clarity of mind. It immobilizes me.

The farther I fell behind the less I cared. I tried to care. I wanted to care. I just didn't care.

And then the burden became even heavier with the realization that this time I couldn't call on my Mom for help. About once a year I would get behind and overwhelmed and that's when I would call my Mom and she would come and help me put things back in order. She never judged me for overextending myself because she was an overachiever too. But this time she is not here to rescue me and make it all better. Once again the reality hits home how my life has changed.

I have so many friends and loved ones that I know would step in at any moment but its just not the same. When Mommers came there was no fear of putting her out, no need to tell her what needed to be done, no need to explain myself - she just understood and intuitively knew what to do. That's what made her my Mom.

I have spent the weekend trying to get back on top of things and John has been wonderful in helping. I am getting there, I just need to find the motivation to stay there. Why when life gets hard does the desire to do everything good for me disappear? Eating healthy, exercise, reading my Scriptures, all seems impossible to do even though I know it will make me feel better.

Maybe I needed to write this simply to understand what I'm feeling, to purge the feelings out of me so I can let them go.

I will continue to wear her necklace as a reminder that I can do hard things too. After all, I learned from the best.

1 comment:

Pam (Haslem) Dana said...

Lisa... you are doing awesome! Don't be too hard on yourself for getting behind. You can always catch up! You are seriously the best mom, wife and friend around! Love you lots!