Fall

I usually love fall. Love the changing leaves and the cooler temperatures. The crispness in the air means the holidays are coming! I love change, thrive on change. I love the feeling of a fresh start that the fall always brought with the new school year or a new semester.

This year I am futilely trying to pretend fall has not arrived. For the first time ever I don't want it to come. It means change. It means that a season has ended and some of the precious time I have with my Mom is visibly over. Having the season change gives time a tangible feeling. I don't want a fresh start I just want things to stay the same.

I knew that the hard days would come back and I thought I was prepared but I feel crushed by the emotions swelling in my heart. I had been so strong and doing so well but two days ago that ended. I feel like my life is out of my control. I just want to curl up on the couch and refuse fall and change.

I know spring will come and that the hope, love, and faith that had been present for the last couple of weeks will return soon. No one ever explained that the stages of grief are more like the roller coaster of grief. "Stages" implies that you moved through them, that you are progressing and eventually there is an end. I'm finding that I jump all over the stages and keep returning to them.

I think I might go public here on my blog for a while. There are so many people who are probably struggling like me and I think I could use a little extra support right now. Plus there are so many people who love my Mom and I want them to be able to find her through me. I haven't decided, I just keep going back and forth.

That seems to be the theme of my life right now.

* I created a blog button for my Moms blog. Go on over and grab her button*
Thank you for your support!