Wednesday, November 11, 2009

My Doom

Yesterday Beckham was diagnosed with
Reactive Airway Disease

What does that mean...My pediatrician summed it up nicely,
"hes to young to diagnose with Asthma."

Caleb was diagnosed with Reactive Airway when he was little.
It means Beckham has asthma in his future.
I cried the whole way home from the Pediatrician.
I just don't want to do this all over again.

This morning as I restrained him and put the little mask over his face he started screaming and I started crying. I hate holding him down and forcing these steroids and medicines into his little body that make him feel...weird. I feel weird after having to breathe part of it in just by being close. I cried for all the medicines, ER visits, steroids, inhalers, humidifiers, midnight coughing, and fears of colds in his future. Of the changes that come over his little personality when the medicines get pumped in.

Just when I thought my heart was going to burst from sadness and fear, he went still. His little fingers had found my finger and he grabbed it tight. Then he started stroking my fingers and playing with them. We sat there watching Thomas the Train and he stroked my fingers telling me it was going to be okay.

He can handle it, if I can.

I found peace in those 10 minutes with him.

It reminded me of a talk from the Time out For Women where she spoke about her sons diagnosis with diabetes at age 3. Now her son is a teenager and she was asked to fill out a questionnaire about it. One of the questions asked "if you could choose not to have diabetes in your life, would you take it away."

She said it took a lot of time to think about because of course she would never choose to have her son have diabetes. But then she thought about all that they both had learned through the years because of it and she said she would not have chosen to take it away. Hard as it was, the lessons were to invaluable to let pass.

I hope I can say that same thing in 10 years from now.

But for now I'm grateful for the peace that Beckham helped me find and will hold onto that when the times get tough.

What a strong spirit my little man has.


Abbie said...

Oh Lisa, you are such a srong woman and mother. I KNOW that you will be able to look back on the situation 10 years from now (if not sooner) and know that you are stronger for it, although it makes me sad to see cute little Beckham with that mask on.

Grandma Caroline said...

Honey, I cried along with you when I read your blog. Abbie is right, you are a stong woman, where much is given, much is expected. You didn't have a lot of trials in your young life (except for me of course) so everyone must go through the hard times to learn, this is your time to learn. I'd take it away if I could, but that would be what Satan liked, and I won't and can't. Just rember that those are wise and beautiful spirits in our little boys bodies, and they KNOW, I mean they really KNOW, so be comforted where you can be at this time. I love you dearly. Mom

Lesha said...

Sorry to hear this. I hope he outgrows it! No fun to have to worry and be up at night. Thinking of you

Boons said...

Sorry to hear about Beckham. He'll be okay. His older brother has proven that! It's amazing to think that just a year ago you were hoping that Beckham would "cook" a little longer, at least until Christmas, and in fact was born two weeks after Christmas. That says a lot about the little guy! He's a fighter! We'll keep you guys in our prayers.

Sara said...

I'm so sorry to hear this and while reading this post, tears came to my eyes. You have wonderful strong boys and Beckham is no different.

Megan said...

I love when the kids are the ones to reassure us that we can get through anything...What a precious moment...

SLO Rober said...

I'm so sorry about little Beckham. Maybe his big brother can give him some moral support. We'll be praying for you.

SoCal Rogers said...

Oh Lisa. Just from the picture my heart aches, and by the end of the post I was crying with you. All I can say is I LOVE YOU. If there ever was a Mom that could cope with this illness and manage through everything it is you. You are such a wonderful mother, a rock and a great example to me. You seem to have it totally together even through your families trials. Again, I LOVE YOU COUSIN!