Wednesday, April 20, 2011

My Moms gift to Davis

I am not sure how to write this post - I don't think the words exist to describe my feelings and I'm terrified I wont be able to convey what I feel in my heart.

Davis has always held a very special place in my heart. All of my boys do in their own unique way- but my heart is very protective of Davis. He is so tender and he looks at the world in a different way than most children and even John and I do. He is creative and smart but in some ways he lacks social awareness. That last sentence is exactly why this post is so hard to write! It makes it sound like its a bad quality, a fault, or that he is lacking something when its the exact opposite! Our world lacks the awareness that come so easily to Davis! For Davis the world doesn't get complicated. He does not let the distractions around him deter him from his purpose and he sees joy in everything he does! He isn't always looking for something new or ready to move onto the next thing - he finds joy in the tasks of life.

He moves at a slower pace than the hectic lifestyle our society has created. I have always been (and probably always will be) a go-getter. I cant help it - I just am. I want efficiency and to squeeze as much in as I possibly can so that I can squeeze in even more.

A while back I wrote that he was beginning to stutter. Some days he does really good and other days he stutters quite a bit. We went and had him evaluated and based off of what the tester saw in our evaluation he thinks Davis is above average in his language but will need intervention with his fluency. I guess that is pretty common- they are either really behind or really ahead when it comes to vocabulary.

When I made his appointment the person that would be doing the evaluation told me to start talking slower to Davis, which I did. I also started to notice that in almost every interaction I had with him I used the word "hurry" repeatedly. I cant type that sentence without my heart aching in shame. Knowing that I have (unintentionally) tried to make his perfect little gift conform to my pace of life fills me with sadness. He has a need that I didn't see and it breaks my heart now that I realize it.

The handouts they gave me to read of things parents can do to help a child who stutters goes like this:
1. Provide a calmer, less-hurried, less-stressed life style in their environment.
2. Speak slowly when talking to the child. Sound mellow and relaxed.
And on and on all basically reiterating the same point....

SLOW DOWN! CALM DOWN!

Thanks to my Mom we did slow down our lifestyle but lately I feel the pace building again. I thought perhaps I could start adding back some of the commitments I had put on hold. But now I think of my precious little Davis and I want to bar the doors, disconnect my phone, and throw away my calendar!

I know I cant do that but I also know that there are things that really matter, there are things that are nice to be able to do, and there are things I do because I feel obligated. I have to have the courage to say, "No, thank you" to most of the extra stuff in order to keep our home life a peaceful and calm sanctuary for his little mind to master fluency.

I am so grateful that my Mom prepared me with the courage to put him first in front of everything else I might feel obligated to do. I had wanted to pull back and detach myself for a long time before my Mom got sick but couldn't figure out how to walk away until I was forced to walk away. The best part - it wasn't hard at all!

I have wondered lately why I was chosen to be Davis' mother...NOT because I don't want to be - rather I feel so inadequate! I am terrified that I am not the Mom he needs and he deserves the best. And then I think about how loving, kind, and patient he is and realize that I wasn't chosen to be his Mother to help him - he was chosen to be my son to help and teach me.

Davis,

I can hardly find words to tell you how much you mean to me. I have said it before - I want to wrap you up and tuck you away from this harsh busy world because I don't want you to ever hurt! I never want to allow anything to dampen your Spirit or make you question your worth.

What a gift you are to me. You make me stop and appreciate all that I have around me. You take the time to do things right and give a project or a person your total undivided attention. I have so much to learn from you, and buddy I am committed - no matter the cost - to give you what you need here at home!

I love you son!


Here is an example of his amazing mind and persistence. He built this track entirely by himself! In fact at one point I saw where he was building and saw the pieces left and felt a little pity because after all his hard work the track wasn't going to work out. I tried to jump in and help him "fix" it. After a few minutes I realized my help was not appreciated and so I walked away and left him to play alone. About a half hour later he asked me to come look at his track. It was amazing! He saw potential and possibilities my mind couldn't see existed!


1 comment:

Pam (Haslem) Dana said...

Beautiful written.... beautiful boy... beautiful mother! Love it all!