Thursday, February 3, 2011

How I am doing...

People keep asking me how I am doing and if I am okay.

The answer is - no.

I know that I will be okay and most moments of the day I have control over myself. I know she is in a better place. I know everything will work out fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I don't want it to. I don't want to find a new normal where I get use to not having a Mom. I watch that slide show over and over again and don't want to live in a life where I don't see that smile and that passion and love. I don't want to be the one going through and organizing everything back into its place today here in her home. This is her house and her things and I want her to do it!

I want to call her and hear her voice. I want to hear the front door open and know its her by the way it shuts - hard and fast like she has been places and has more to go! I want her to reprimand me and tell me I'm being silly. I want to make her laugh and hear her playing with my boys. I want to feel her warmth again.

Part of what is making me sad is knowing eventually I will be okay again. I know that's not an insult to her memory - its actually a tribute to her.

But I just don't want to live in a world without her.

7 comments:

Buffy said...

Oh Leese--I wish I could be there. Although miles away, I am crying with you . . .

jakenapril said...

:) no one ever said it would be easy...

i say feel how you want to feel. and you're right, eventually you'll feel better, but this is you dealing with it. at least for now.

{hugs}

Sarie said...

..... I got nothin.

I just love you and think that she's SO with you. Every step of the way.

xoxoxoxo

Wheeler Bunch said...

Maybe look at this way....she is still here...living through you and your siblings and you darling boys. Her love, passion, I see it all in you! It's been 20 years since Danny lost his Mom, and we hear people say all the time that they see her in her boys. I send my love and thoughts and a hug through the air.

Pam (Haslem) Dana said...

Love ya lady!

Raelyn said...

Sending HUGS
Understanding how you feel.
Knowing she is within you...and nothing can take that away.

Love you!

Janis said...

Oh Prili-
Your words are tugging and pulling at my heart strings. I'm balling like crazy! You are amazing and you were such an inspiration to many, how you just did everything in your power to care for your mom in her last days. She is in a better place now, and she is so happy that you will be together again with your family and loving them like she loved you!

We all loved your mom and your family and are sad that she is gone, but grateful for the important role and example she set in our lives.

Love you!