Monday, October 4, 2010

Meet Rachel

I love this picture because this typified what life was like when we were roommates. Everything was laid back, FUN, and meaningful. She came into my life while I was preparing to go to Romania. We became friends in Romania, best friends backpacking through Europe, and sisters through being roommates our Senior year at BYU. When I told her I was marrying John she said it was only fitting that I officially become a Henderson (that was her maiden name).

I had never met anyone like her. She lived her life with such confidence and such peace. If you could get a glimpse of me the year before I met Rachel you would be shocked.
No, I'm not kidding - SHOCKED!

I still remember her asking me one day why I always said "sorry?" It was true, I did it all the time. She looked at me and said "I feel like you are always apologizing for your life." I was so insecure at the time and I was. I was afraid to be me because I wasn't sure of me. But here she was, this amazing girl and she loved being my friend.

Romania, the book Bonds that Make us Free, and Rachel transformed me into who I am today.

I recently got back in touch with Rachel and it was wonderful! She reminded me of the peace and confidence I feel when I live deliberately. The last week or two has been hard for me on so many levels that are too personal to share. In that time my desire to lose those last 10 pounds (now 13 pounds) had completely disappeared. Why when I was am so close to something I want so badly am I moving further from it?

Then something Rachel said to me 10 years ago came back to me. She told me I used my weight to protect myself. It literally and physically put a barrier between myself and others that I used to protect myself and my insecurities. It was true and I could see it then. Losing weight drew attention to me when I was so insecure. With that realization I was able to conquer that fear back then.

This last year I have faced some difficult challenges, one particularly that is so close to my heart. As I have felt vulnerable to all that is going on in my life I have become afraid to lose my physical protection and feel so utterly exposed. If you have never struggled with weight this probably sounds ridiculous to you. If you have struggled with and lost weight I know you can understand to some degree what I'm talking about.

Ive decided I'm staying off the scale until Nov 1st. I love to feel healthy! I can not completely understand why getting so close to my goal causes me to sabotage myself, but it does and I don't know how to change that right now. So I don't have to watch it happen weekly on the scale. I can just be healthy because I like it better than being unhealthy.

After all these years I am so thankful for the great friends that I have had in my life, but especially I am grateful for Rachel. I don't think she will ever know how much she has, and still is, changing me to be a better person. Besides my family I think she has had the most impact on my life for the good. Even more so than John.

Without Rachel I would never have been someone John would have chosen.


Raelyn said...

Seriously, I couldn't understand more completely! I literally could have had you in my own brain talking and it would have been the same diolgue! I get it...I feel it everytime it is within reach. Well, really like everyday, whether it is in reach or not. I totally understand and empathize...and am right there with you...(though not as close as you are :))

rachel said...

i love those pictures! you are so sweet, i love you!

Grandma Caroline said...

You write with such insight! I used to say "sorry" for everything too, I didn't know that about you. I hope with all my heart you can loose that weight you want, just give yourself a break with all that is going on in your life.