refelctions

This Mothers Day I have spent a lot of time thinking about where I am as a Mother. The world has changed a lot in its definition of "Mother" as has the views about how to parent. I had so many ideas about what I wanted to be as a Mother before I ever was one and so much of that has changed as I actually became one.

To guide children through life and teach them to not need their parents seems to be so contrary to some of today's parenting ideas. It seems a lot of adults, media, and psychology place blame on things that happened during peoples childhood which has led to parents wanting to give their children "perfect" childhoods. In reality though I think this new view of parenting is robbing children of life skills and coping skills for the future. Watching your children grow up and not "need" you is difficult in some respects but immensely empowering in others.

My own parents have always been great at maintaining those boundaries. I have always felt support from them and known they would be there but they have truly given me the space I need to be the person I am today. I specifically remember moving away to college and them helping set me up and then leaving. The best part was they were happy for me, not mourning their loss of a daughter at home and it gave me the power and freedom to dive into life with enthusiasm. I don't think my Mom cried, or if she did she didn't show me.

Then I wanted to go to Romania and they fully supported me and again I knew they cared about me but they never worried or fretted over me while I was in a new country discovering parts of life that you can only discover from experience. They also gave me a two week Euro rail pass to go anywhere in Europe for 2 weeks that I wanted. Not once did they ask to know where we were going or hovering over me to see that I had a plan...because I didn't. I spent two weeks not knowing where I was going to sleep that night and where I would be tomorrow and it was an adventure like none I have ever had.

When I wanted to move to Seattle they followed this pattern. They were there to assist me when I asked for help or give suggestions but they let me guide the choices.

I feel so grateful for this example. Its made me an independent person who knows that I can do anything I put my mind to. I truly have experienced life and made my own choices to be who I am today. Are there choices I regret...yes but I'm wise enough to know that without making those choices my life would not be where it is now, and I love my life now.

As Ive reflected on my own parents I have automatically compared it to other parents that I know who are afraid to let go. Who want to control every aspect of their children's life and fear their children making their own choices, even going as far as to always criticize them. Who have watched their children spread their wings and fly and succeed and don't find a sense of satisfaction out it but rather almost resent it. In the process of trying to exert more and more control find themselves losing control and in the process destroying any sort of relationship they have with them.

I value my parents opinion because they value my agency and my opinion.

Where am I going with all of this...I swear I have a point! Its just that as a mother of small children I do make a lot of choices for them and sometimes its easier to not let them make choices. Especially when I know they are going to cause us to move a little slower or that I know will lead to frustration when they have to deal with the consequences that they were warned about but still couldn't see.

I find myself this Mothers Day refocusing myself on teaching my children to make correct choices but stealing myself for the moments that I know will be hard to watch when they are suffering for choices they have made.

Kindergarten is looming in 3 months and I have worried so much about how sensitive Caleb is and what if others are mean to him, or hes the smallest, or how will he react to peer pressure and then I think about all of the insecurities I'm passing onto him. I want to be like my parents who take him to school, excited for him, believing in him, and supporting him instead of letting my fears be felt by him. School is an adventure and while there is going to be heartache there is also going to be joy and pride in accomplishment that he cant get at home.

I want to be a Mom who is preparing her children for the future, not one who hovers and holds on forever. I know I wont always love the choices my kiddos make but I also know that the only way to have any say in their life is to show them that I trust them and love them. Its hard not to wrap our whole identify up into our children because we do give so much of ourselves to them, but I don't see how a Mother can do that without taking some of their child's identity in the process.

I know my boys have endless potential and I think this mothers day the thing I have learned the most is about what my role as their mother is! They can do anything, and my role is to believe in them and let them succeed rather than trying to force them to make choices that I think will lead them to success.

Edited to add: I am talking about decisions where there is still a good choice being made even if its not the best choice is my opinion or if I can see a better choice and even when that is pointed out they still want to make their own choice. I know my parents wouldn't have supported me if I had been moving in with a drug dealing pimp!