Thursday, July 9, 2009

I feel like a perpetual clumsy caterpillar...Always hoping to become a butterfly yet always stuck feeling clumsy and inadequate. Blundering around with self doubt through periods of trial.

Perhaps that is the cycle of the life, cycles of inadequacy followed by periods of triumph. Each time reemerging a more and more intricate and exquisite butterfly.

It sure doesn't feel like that right now.

Do you read Nie Nies dialogues? I love her blog and almost a year ago she and her husband were in a plane crash and she was burned on more than 80% of her body. Their story has captivated me.

In some ways I also had an internal "accident" of sorts and have been burned. I watch Nie as she tries to come to understand and figure out this new version of herself and can relate in so many ways to what I feel on my inside.

Each time she thinks she is coming to a sense of equilibrium and peace with herself something sneaks up on her and she once again is reminded of how different she is now.

I miss the old version of myself. I'm trying to understand the new person that I am now.

And even though I putting this out there for you all to read, this is for me. So that hopefully, in the near future, I can look back and smile at the silly girl who forgot to remember that the most beautiful sunshine always comes right after the storms.

ps. we did have a great 4th and I would love to post some pictures but someone needs to tell our teething 6 month old that mom cant maintain eye contact and hold him ALL of the time!