Playing catch up - Pioneer Day

July 24th is a big day in Utah! Its the day we celebrate the Pioneers arriving in Utah and when Brigham Young pronounced, "this is the place!"

We love the Hurricane Celebration. To start off this year we ran a 5 K. When I say we - I mean the whole family. Beckham and Davis got to ride and be pushed by Dad but Caleb ran it with us! He did so great! I would say he ran more than half of it and he never gave up!

He was a little concerned about coming in last place and I assured him I would let him beat me, but I didn't let him do anything! When he saw the finish line he put on the speed and left me behind! His time was 49:03.
He beat me by 2 seconds!

Then we got great seats for the Parade. Each of the Primarys in our church have a float that the kids ride on. John ran to get our Bountiful Basket so it was just Becks and I waiting and we passed the time taking pictures of ourselves.I thought he would be scared by the sirens at the beginning but he got so excited!Lucky for him he was the only one in our family collecting candy and he scored!
Here come our boys!Oh this next picture makes me tear up! I had told Davis before the parade to make sure to blow Mommy kisses from the float. He had moved from where I had put him and so I couldn't see him and I was afraid we would miss each other. I finally got a glimpse of him and called his name. He got so excited and stood up and waved and called my name out over and over and blew me kisses for a whole block. It was so special to me!

Then it was time for games. Both of the boys hit the target on the dunk tank right on almost every time but they were not strong enough to move the lever.

They had races for each age group and we took videos of those. Even my old man John raced this year - coming in second! Caleb and Davis both waited so patiently for the bounce house water slide.

The slide on the other side had a big pool of water for them to slide into.
Is it just me or does my Caleb look so grown up and ginormous in this picture!

That night we let the boys play with their glow necklaces from their friend Nathan and Daddy busted out some sparklers.

Truly this is the place!

Back from Vacation

3 more pounds down! I'm one pound away from my pre-pregnancy weight - as in my original pre-pregnancy weight!

Ive been writing the last couple of days like crazy. Its been therapeutic to my soul. But for now I have decided not to publish it. Its still to raw and to close to the surface. I haven't even gone back to edit it yet and I'm not sure I'm ready to do that for a few more days.

We had a wonderful vacation. I will post more about it tomorrow. For today I'm just going to put the rest of my life in order. Get the laundry done and put away, get the house organized and clean, and spend time with my kiddos.

I feel behind in so many ways and am dedicating today to catch up so I feel ready for the rest of the week.

Self-actualization

Goldstein defined self-actualization as a driving life force that will ultimately lead to maximizing one's abilities and determine the path of one's life

Ive been thinking about this concept a lot over the last few weeks. There have been a few situations that have driven my thoughts in that direction. Some good, some bad, some painful, some wonderful. Bottom line - I have been thinking about the driving force in my life. What drives me? Is my motivation and the direction I am heading the way I want to go? Am I honest with myself? Am I honest with those around me? Can those around me trust me? Do I feel proud of who I am?

I asked all of these questions to myself. I asked for answers - for clarity - and I found them. Surprisingly, not where I expected to find them. I will forever be grateful to a friend who without even knowing what was going on in my life felt like she needed to send me 2 texts at two different times. Without her wisdom I would not be in the place I am now. I will forever be indebted to her and admire the person that she chooses to be.

John and I have talked more in the past weeks than we have in a long time. Deep, heart wrenching, soul searching talks. We have examined ourselves, our perceptions, our relationship, and our focus. We have grown and become stronger. More one in purpose and feeling. He is one of the most amazing people I know and we have both found something in these past few days that is much to sacred for me to limit to simple words. They would never be adequate.

I - love - my - man!

I love his strength. I love his heart. I love his resilience. I love his humility. I love his maturity. I love his perspective. I love to be one. I love to progress with him. I love that he is mine.

I love to love him!

I taught a lesson in church last month about self mastery. This talk here by Elder Bednar was one of the talks that I based my lesson on and it changed my life. Ive thought a lot about it as I have been working through all of these things and thoughts. I have realized that for me, being able to choose who I want to be and feel that I have control over my destiny and choices are core to my being. It burns in my bones and floods my mind and heart with desire and strength. I love that I can determine who I want to be and that no one can define me or limit me. Only I have the power to do that. I love in Viktor Frankl's, Mans search for Meaning when he says:

We who lived in concentration camps can remember those who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have
been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken
from a person but the last of the human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in
any given set of circumstances - to choose one's own way.

Today John and I went to the Newport Beach Temple and as we sat there smiling at each other and winking I mouthed, "I feel at peace." He smiled and in the softness of his eyes and his nod I knew he felt the same way.

The last few years have been some of the most difficult in my life. I have been challenged in ways I never imagined I could be. I hit my lowest of lows and was grappling to just hang in there. And when I didn't feel hope that I would ever make it through, the trial was lifted. I am left changed in a way I could have never imagined -stronger, wiser, more mature.

This week I'm going to be writing about some of these experiences that I feel can be shared. Other posts will be written but never published because they are too personal and sacred. I apologize for all the journaling lately but its important to me that I write this for myself and for my children. Come back in a week or so when we get back to the day to day blogging. For now though, I need to write.

What has everything in the last 2 years taught me so far?

I have learned to endure and the strength that comes from self discipline. I have learned that I am strong despite my feelings of inadequacy and weakness. I do care about what others think of me - but I care more about what I think of myself! At the end of the day when I look in the mirror I know that I have been loyal to myself, my family, my friends, my country, and my God. That brings an inner peace and inner confidence that I believe can not be found anywhere else.

I am not perfect. I never will be. I know that despite my best efforts I will never be able to please everyone. But I know where my heart is. I know where my intentions are rooted.

I have learned that I am at peace with myself.

No longer defined

Today was liberating!

This morning as I went to get ready I decided to try on one of the shirts I have been holding onto for 7.5 years. They were my cute little shirts that I wore before I got pregnant with Caleb. I am now 3 pounds away from that weight and wanted to see if they fit...

They DID!
Only they were about 8 inches short!

How the styles of shirts have changed - and thank goodness for that. One by one I tried them on, saw they fit, and then threw them into a DI pile because I didn't like them. I then decided to pull everything out of my closet an try it on and evaluate it. I decided there were no "iffy" clothes going back in. I either love it or its gone. There are shirts that I threw away that still fit but I never feel "cute" in them. There are shirts I threw away because I don't like that style anymore, even though at one time I loved it!

After I was all done I decided it was time to get dressed and it was so great to look through a closet full of clothes that I wanted to wear. Some of them are still a tiny bit snug but they will fit within 5 pounds. My closet is pretty sparse but that has helped me realize what I need to buy next.

For 7.5 years I have defined myself by those clothes in the back of my closet that I was determined to fit into again. I did that and I'm proud of myself.

But now, I will define myself and my style by who I am today and not some whisper of a girl I use to be.

Where do they find DMV workers?

No, I'm serious - WHERE?
Do they start out as normal and nice people and morph into something else there?
Do they have a strict hiring policy to hire the most rude and irritated people to be found?
I know some people would say that its because they deal with raunchy and mean people all day but everyone who was waiting was kind and friendly. People were talking and laughing. People were nice and friendly to my boys who were running around and saying hi to people. Nope, I don't buy that explanation.

After going up the counter and handing the worker my paperwork I was asked if I had ever had a ticket in New Jersey. I told her no.

After a few more minutes of her typing and looking extremely annoyed she told me I was ineligible for a drivers licence renewal because of the outstanding ticket in New Jersey.

Me: I have never been to New Jersey.
Her: Well there is a ticket for Lisa A Henderson with 6/16/78 as the birthday.
Me (worried thinking someone had stole my identity): And the drivers licence number matches mine?
Her: I don't have the drivers license number with the ticket.
Me: Well, can you find out.
Her: We only have the name and birthday.
Me: Well, Lisa Henderson is kind of a common name.
Her (in a DUH) tone: Ya, but the birthday is the same!

I was seriously standing there kind of wondering what to say. Seriously I cant get a drivers licence because you didn't record the licence number - just a name and birthday? Am I weird in thinking that was an important piece of information for the officer to get or for your really efficient office to keep in the computer?

Me: Well, that's not me and I have to renew my licence.
Her: Silence and typing
Me: After a few minutes - have you found more information?
Her (really irritated now): There is no more information! (back to typing)
Me: Standing there trying not to laugh at her and the whole DMV and their long waits and employees that think it would be against code to smile or be friendly.
Her: Slaps some paper down and tells me I owe $25.
Me: I decided to just pay and not say another word.

Seriously, I hope the DMV and Post Office are not the fate of our Health Care system.

Midnight choices

A few things have been on my mind lately. One of them is that Caleb goes back to school in 3 weeks. I can not wrap my mind around that. I'm not ready. I spend so much time worrying about other kids being nice to him and him making the right choices. Last night, as I lay in bed, that was weighing on my mind along with a few blog entry's I have read lately - one here at V and Co and one here at A Box of Chocolates.

When talking about her children this line from A Box of Chocolates haunted me:

They deserve everything I can give them.
Most of all, my time.

It hit me that the reason that I am not ready for Caleb to go to school is because I do not feel that I have prepared him this summer in the way that I wanted to. What started out as a need to have a little extra income has turned me into a 3 ring circus. I AM TO BUSY! There are to many things that I have to do that I don't have time for the things I need to do.

Last night I decided it was time to back away from many of the little projects that I am involved in, not because I want to - but because I have to. My children need me. They dont need me glued to the screen of this computer for "just another minute" because that inevitably is 5 minutes, or 10 minutes. I really have been excited about the opportunities that I have been given. In the end though, they are not where my priorities are. Those projects will go on without me, my children will not.

I prioritized last night and I know that I can not give up all of the work I have but I can give up most. I will continue to do photography. That is mine and I can do all my editing while my kids sleep. I arrange photo shoots around my schedule and it works with our family.

I will keep doing 2 blog posts a month for Janey Mac. It gives me a creative outlet and I get to create wonderful things for our home and I get 2 weeks to do it. It works with our family.

I will keep designing for Lash Out. I have a lot of time to do what I need to and I don't have to think about content - just design. I love that. I really like graphic design and I love that all I have to think about is colors and pictures. I don't have to come up with words or work with people. I get assignments, I have a given amount of time to complete it, it can all be done while my kids are in bed. When I am done, the project is done and I can check it off and let it go. I design on my time and it works with our family.

Lastly I will keep managing the rental that I do. I have a great renter and they pay me a lot for the little I do. Bonus they pay me to bug spray which allows us to buy the chemicals we need for our house and then some. I can do it on my time and it works with our family.

All of the other little projects, although not individually demanding, collectively are too much. I am running around too much and trying to keep to many balls in the air and I cant do that at the expense of my children. I think I have known that I needed to do this but I wanted to wait until I felt I had been able to do my best and get things where I felt okay to walk away from those projects. The problem is I don't have enough time to even get there.

Why don't I feel like I'm ready for Caleb to go back to school?
Guilt.

I don't feel that he knows he is my priority. I want him to know that when he goes to school, no matter how bad his day is, I am anxiously waiting for him to come home so that I can BE with him because he is so special. I want him to know and feel that he is a Rock Star! The center of my world!

I will have other opportunities in my life, but this is the only opportunity I have to raise these 3 beautiful boys. I can not let that pass. They mean more to me than anything and I choose them.

Sarah was right:
"They deserve everything I can give them. Most of all, my time."

Gleaning

This last month the members of our Church have been picking apricots at the Church farm. John and I even hired a babysitter one morning so we could go together. It is surprisingly a lot of fun! We picked a total of 406,000 pounds of apricots that are all now at the cannery. The best part is when they have all they can take they open the fields to the public to go pick with a limit of 100 pounds each family. What does that mean for me....

I have A LOT of work to do!

We went down tonight for family night and it was a night I will always cherish. I love to work with my kids. I love their enthusiasm. Davis brought me dandelions to put in my hair and every time I saw him he was blowing another wish away.

I loved watching them run from tree to tree calling out to each other. When Davis' bag flew away in a breeze, Caleb invited him to come share with him. They both sat under one tree saying, "I'm so glad you came to share with me Davis." "You are so nice, Mommy Caleb is sharing!" I loved how excited Caleb was when we could set him up in a tree to reach the really orange ones that we couldn't get and how he would laugh when he would start handing them to me faster than I could bag them.

What happened at the end just about melted my heart. Beckham had spent most of his time working on a ice cream cone from McDonald's but he was getting a little fussy. Caleb took him by the hand under the tree and showed him how to pick an apricot and put it in the bag. Then they would clap. Beckham got so into it and they went from tree to to tree. Caleb encouraging and helping Beckham the whole way. It was hard to get Beckham to walk back to the car because he wanted to pick any apricot that he could reach.

I wish I had captured it all in pictures, but then maybe I would just show the pictures instead of express how sweet the moment was with them. For just a brief spell all of the interruptions of the world melted away and we were left to simply just enjoy each other and when we did - the work became play.

We start harvesting the peaches in a week!

Squeal!

There is the drop Ive been waiting for! There is a certain weight that my body really likes - REALLY likes! Like I cant get past it no matter what I do kind of certain weight! It was the lowest I have been able to obtain after each pregnancy. Even this time with Beckham I did actually get under it, but only because I had the stomach flu for 3 days. When I got better I went right back. That is where I lost all of my motivation in the winter!

That is the one thing that convinced me to seek the help of a Dr because it really shouldn't be that impossible to get under it. The last two weeks have been discouraging. I know, I shouldn't complain at a pound a week, but I'm working so hard and should be able to lose 2 pounds a week. That second week when I was only down another pound was hard. Probably because I felt down more than that but the number didn't want to move!

My Dr thinks my body just really resits going under that weight and when we get me low enough below it, my body will respond and start dropping the weight and I can reset a new weight for my body to maintain. This week I'm down 4 pounds! That puts me 6 pounds under that stubborn number and I'm so motivated to put even more distance between me and that dreaded number!

I had a blast writing out our story. Sorry it got broken up into so many days but I started writing it 3 days before I ever posted anything. It helped to write a segment and then let it sit in the recesses of my mind for a few days and allow the little details to come back at unexpected times. I fell in love with John all over again just writing it. It certainly made me take a step back and realize how fortunate I am for such a wonderful man as my companion.

Surprisingly it motivated me to be a better person. As I thought about who I felt I use to be - bubbly, deliberate, fun loving, full of gumption - It whispered to me that I am still that girl. A little older, a little more mature, but that it still a part of me if I choose to let it break through from the monotony of our routine. It reminded me to be fun and all the dreams I had for this time in my life. I am living my dream - I can not miss one day by not living it to its fullness with a grateful heart!

Could this really be Monday? I feel like I could conquer the world today.
Perhaps I will settle for conquering my household chores.

J & L - One

* I am writing our love story, if you want to start and the beginning click here. At the very bottom of that post you can click on "newer post" and it will take you through our story in order.

He took my hand after that kiss and walked me into our family room. We laid down and he pulled me into him and my head was resting on chest. We sat there holding each other. I remember loving the feel and sound of his heart beat. All I kept saying to myself was - he would NOT kiss me like THAT if he was going to break up with me. Right?

He finally talked and said in a very slow and deliberate tone, "I know that we are suppose to get married." I didn't know what to say. I wanted to jump up and scream I was so excited and so happy and yet the mood seemed so delicate and serene. He pulled me close and hugged me tight and kissed me on the top of my head. We lay there for a long time, just holding each other and feeling connected as one.

We talked a little, but mostly just soaked up the moment of pure joy and respite from all of the questions and uneasiness. There in the utter dark of that Seattle night while laying on our couch I heard him whisper in that same slow and deliberate tone,

"I love you."

My life has never been the same since those words were spoken.

J & L - Indecision

* I am writing our love story, if you want to start and the beginning click here. At the very bottom of that post you can click on "newer post" and it will take you through our story in order.

Unfortunately it didn't come as quickly for John. He was praying about it but just hadn't received his answer. He told me he wanted to marry me but that he would never marry me without feeling like he had a confirmation to his prayer that it was the right choice.

I told him I loved him and he told me he was sorry that he couldn't say it back but he had told himself on his mission that he would only say that to his future wife. It was hard for me. Everything seemed on hold. My job had not hired anyone yet but they needed to know if I was leaving or staying. Kirsten had been making her plans to move and I didn't know if I was coming. It was hard to feel in limbo and that I had so many people waiting for us to make this huge decision and yet I didn't want to rush it.

I didn't want to push John. I had a hard time not being frustrated that he was the one who had talked about getting married and then it seemed like he was trying to backpedal. He assured me that was not the case. He wanted to marry me but he needed his own confirmation that it was the right choice and that hadn't come yet.

I remember one night standing outside of my house in Shoreline looking at the stars while we were leaning up against my Saturn. He was holding me and we were talking. Just standing still in that place of indecision. He told me he couldn't ask me to stay unless he was asking me to be his wife. I think that's what I wanted. I wanted him to tell me to stay and then we could take our time figuring things out. I didn't want to tell him I was going to stay because that seemed like so much pressure on him.

On April 23rd I was once again lying on my Grandma Irene's soft bed and we were talking late at night. We had been talking for hours. I needed to make a choice. I was not the kind of person that could wait around, indecisive. I was not trying to push John at all. I wasn't angry with him for the fact that he had not gotten his confirmation. In fact it made me love him that much more because I recognized that he cared deeply, loved, and relied on our Father in Heaven and the Savior. To me that made me want to marry him even more! It was just the situation - the feeling like I didn't have control of my own life and that it was effecting others that was driving me crazy.

We finally got to where there were no more words to say. We just sat silently on the phone and didn't talk. While there wasn't anything to say we didn't want to hang up either. It felt like there was this impassably gulf between us that we couldn't bridge and it hurt us both. We finally decided we had to go to sleep and so we said a wistful goodbye. I cried for a long time. I prayed and pleaded and sobbed. About a half hour later my phone rang. It was John. he said, "we have to talk right now. I will be there in 20 minutes."

I freaked out! He doesn't want to break up with me over the phone! He must have gotten an answer! What was his answer? How did he sound? How did I make it look like I hadn't been sobbing for the last half hour. Do I change out of my pajamas? My mind was going frantically from scenario to scenario.

Finally I heard a soft knock at the door. I went to it, afraid to know what answer was behind it. What would I do if he told me it wasn't right. I was scared. I had never cared for someone so deeply. I opened it and saw him there in his black sweater and khaki pants. I almost melted he was so handsome.

He came straight to me and pulled me into him and gave me my first experience going weak in the knees with the most amazing and passionate kiss I have ever had.