2 years later...

Today marks the 2 year anniversary of my Moms passing. Each year as my way of honoring and remembering her I think of what advice she would give me based on her life and example for the stage of life I am in. 

Dear Mom,

I can't not believe you have been gone for two years. I have healed a lot this year. You are not forgotten by any means but the pain of losing you is starting to be forgotten. I've been hearing you whisper to me for a while now to unplug from all the media that surrounds me. I have had several conversations continue to pop into my mind we had about the importance of you being home and available for us when we came home from school. I don't think I fully appreciated what a gift and sacrifice that was until now. I am a blogger now and so this is not always an easy thing.

One of the New Years goals I set this year is to unplug each day from 4-8. Scouts, sports, and carpools make it hard to do some nights but I am loving and cherishing that time each day. Most days I put my phone in my room where I can't even hear it during homework, dinnertime, and bedtime.  I find myself looking forward to that time each day because it's so relaxing to just be present with the boys and unavailable to the world. Its amazing how so many tiny distractions here and there interrupted the mood of the house. I find that I am much more patient because I can be totally present. We laugh more, play games almost every night, and in just one month I can see that my relationships have deepened with the boys and John.

The other thing I have been thinking about a lot is how much you used music to set the tone in our home growing up. You always had some sort of uplifting or gospel music playing. I remember you talking about that when you were sick. You told me you did that so even when you weren't teaching us, the music and the words were. I have (unfortunately) become extremely aware of how much music gets into the boys minds - dang that gangnam style song!

I've been looking for new and good music that is uplifting but also fun. Rachel introduced me to her husband's band, The Lower Lights. It's exactly what I've been looking for! You would have loved it! I also have several Pandora stations that play great music that we are listening to more. I should probably make a new station of Whitney Houston music, you LOVED Whitney. I can still see you tearing up while singing along to "One Moment in Time."

I know that you of all people understand how hard pregnancies and the baby stage were for me. Hormone imbalance can be hard, devastatingly hard. I feel a little hardened by those years. I also know how much fun you had with us at this stage of life and I'm learning to let the past go and hopefully the happy go lucky girl will continue to come back more and more.

I miss you!!! I miss calling you when I need someone to complain to who doesn't judge me. The loneliness is slowly fading but I miss your laugh. Most of all I miss how much you loved my boys, John included. You are not forgotten! We talk about you and we keep your traditions and memory alive. There were some changes I knew I needed to make this year and you have given me not only the direction to make them but I also pull strength from you and the courage and determination you lived your life with and passed onto me.

Love you Mommers!

Missed you....

I am back! How I have missed you my sweet blog!

I gave Facebook a try and was not a huge fan. Maybe I couldn't get past my prejudices of Facebook but I didn't feel it was very real or sincere. It's a quick "like" here and "share" there, but I didn't feel like anyone shared much of what was real and in their hearts. It was so quick, just an update on a status limited to a few lines and mixed up with no chronological order. No real way to see patterns and progression. There was no candid feeling or raw emotion. Facebook did not seem like it was created to be personal and intimate. It definitely wasn't a journal and it just wasn't for me.

Maybe I needed that space though over the past year. This year has been so healing. I think I have finally come to the final stage of grief - acceptance. Acceptance in that I have moved on and found normal again. Not that my Mom is forgotten but the pain is being forgotten. It feels like my Mom has been gone for so long and then today I realised that it hasn't even been two years.

I gained weight back this year. Its disappointing and frustrating but at the same time I couldn't do it all and focus on it all. Maybe the weight was its own way of protecting myself.

Whatever my reasons, I feel like I am ready to share again. Not like I share on Over the Big Moon. That is the final results of my thoughts and planning. This is my backstage. My rough draft put out there to remember. Here it is not the final result that matters but the process of becoming, changing, evolving, and even failing.

I have missed writing. I have missed the struggle to find the right words to express what I am thinking and feeling. I have missed the discoveries and clarity that came because of the writing process. Maybe no one missed my words, my thoughts, my discoveries...but I did. I have missed the process and what it means to me! All those things that might seem so meaningless individually, collectively meant so much to me.

It feels like I have come back home!

Mothers Day

What a great Mothers Day Ive had. Ive been SPOILED!

I woke up to my favorite breakfast and beautiful cards and a gift card to Home goods! My Dad bought me some plants for our yard and I'm so excited to have things filling in.

I got to get ready for the day all alone, and then when it was time to go to church I walked out to a bow on my car. John had snuck out last night and washed and detailed the inside. Then this morning he vacuumed the whole car out at 5:30 - with the whole vacuum in the car so we wouldn't hear it. He is so good to me!

Church was beautiful and then I took a loooong nap when we got home. I spent some time playing on the computer, and then had the BEST dinner ever! Homemade lemonade, flank steak, baked potatoes, green beans, and Key Lime Pie for dessert.

Other highlights of the day were chatting with Grandma Henderson, John detailing the boys (he cut all their finger and all their toenails), watching the 3rd period of the Kings game, and then them winning.

My house is clean and I haven't done a thing today! Seriously its been the best. The last couple years have been hard on Mothers Day. Part of it is not just that I miss my Mom, but there was also guilt about enjoying myself. I know it doesn't make much sense but it felt like enjoying Mothers Day somehow wasn't acknowledging the loss of my Mom.

Today I felt no guilt. It was just a wonderful day. Even in Relief Society when the lesson was on death and I thought a lot about her and her whole experience. I was touched and cried, but it was for joy. I am glad that I have come to this place.

I'm so lucky that John takes such good care of me and treats me so well and I feel so blessed that I get to be a Mother!

 

I'm one lucky Mama!

Didn't We Almost Have It All...

I haven't been able to actually sit and write these words out until now. I know its probably so lame but I was devastated when Whitney Houston died! So much so, I just pretended it wasn't real. I grew up on Whitney. My Mom loved her long before the Bodyguard days. My Mom would blast Whitney when she was cleaning, in the car, and on road trips.

I remember doing a lip sync in 4th grade for the Olinda talent show to "The Greatest Love of All" with my friend Marzette Greytack. I remember us practicing on the side of our house in our cool baggy sweatshirts and stretchy pants that were our costumes.

I have another great memory from my Freshman year of High School. I was driving home with my Mom from the Stake Seminary Scripture chase and I had won! I beat everyone out, including my older brother Brian who was in the finals with me. I wasn't exactly the coolest kid so this was a pretty big deal for me. As we were driving home in our big Van it was just me and my Mom. She got all teary and said she wanted to play me a song. Whitney sang me, "One Moment in Time." Its a funny memory but it is so distinct. In that moment I felt so great because my Mom was so proud of me.

After My Mom died I listened to Whitney - A LOT. It made me feel close to my Mom and her music brought me so much comfort. Somehow losing Whitney so soon after my Mom makes it hurt all over again.

I don't like singing solo.

Im one lucky girl!

I woke up to find this waiting for me.

What a babe! It was so sweet that he remembered the little things that were important to me from her...and that he included a massage! It was the perfect way to start out my day! I think I am even more touched that he went to DI to find a cute basket to put it all in. Pinterest and decorative baskets - Johns turning into a softie!

What I learned about being a Mom... because I lost mine.

I wrote this post for Over the Big  Moon and wanted to share it here.

Exactly one year ago today, I held my Moms hand while she took her last breath and I felt her heart beat for the last time.

A short 6 months earlier my Mom had slurred her speech for the first time, igniting a month of intense doctor visits that ruled everything out but ALS- Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis - Lou Gehrig's disease. A terminal degenerative disease that comes with a life expectancy of approximately 2-5 years. Not for my Mom, she lived 4 1/2 short months from the time she was diagnosed.

We knew her condition seemed to be deteriorating faster than most cases of ALS. With my husband's blessing, I packed myself, Davis, and Beckham up, and when we went down to my parents home for Thanksgiving we didn't come back. We planned on staying for the entire month of December. If there was even a chance this was going to be my Moms last Christmas, I wanted to be there for every moment and every tradition. By the time Christmas rolled around my Dad and I were full time caregivers and she asked me not to go home.

My husband and friends were amazing and I was able to care for her until she peacefully slipped from this world into the next. It was the most difficult and the most amazing experience all at the same time. Here is what I learned about Motherhood while losing my own Mom.

A mothers love is irreplaceable. I know this is something we all "know" in our minds but I am telling you there is nothing in this world that provides the same security and comfort as the love of a Mother or the Mother figure in our life. They are like an emotional security blanket that keeps us safe and secure in our darkest days.

I was 32 when my Mom passed away. I had a loving husband and 3 wonderful sons, and yet I felt as if the world had collapsed around me. I lost my foundation and felt so vulnerable. We as Mothers have a power that can not be replicated or replaced anywhere! It was empowering for me, as a mother, to realize the impact my love and presence has on my childrens lives.

I learned you can make a lot of mistakes as a Mother and still be a great Mom. My Mom made mistakes - as many as I make each day. It does not mean that my children will be less than they could be otherwise. In fact, my mistakes are as good of a learning experience for my boys as my perfect mommy moments are. I have wasted so much of my energy as a Mom getting down on myself for my imperfections and when I lose my patience. The only thing that matters in the end is the love you have showed your children. That is what your children will remember.

I also learned how important it is to be kind to everyone. The kind smiles and benefit of the doubt when my Mom was disabled absolutely made our day! The hardest part of ALS is that you look and sound like you are handicapped, but your mind is as sharp as it ever was. You are the same person trapped in a body that is slowly becoming more paralyzed and useless. A few people treated her like she was not as smart as she use to be. It was humiliating and frustrating for her. We never know what is in a persons mind and heart. Kindness is always the right reaction.

I learned that people for the most part are kind, well-intentioned, and doing the best they can. There is so much good in the people around us! We are all so busy with the little things that occupy our time, that for the most part usually don't matter that much. When you have a life changing experience like this, for a small moment you are blessed with the clarity of what truly matters most.

Most of all I learned how rewarding it is to be a Mom and how blessed I am to have my sons. My Mom got so much joy and pride in who I had become. It was an honor to care for her in many of the same ways she had cared for me as a baby and child. What a blessing to give her that same unconditional love. It changed my life.

Pam had talked to me about starting a blog before all of this happened and I had brushed the idea off. But losing my Mom lit a fire in me to create this little space to honor her. In many ways this blog is my little tribute to her dedication and creativity. She was amazing and innovative. I love sharing the tips and tricks she taught me, as well as the passion she had for creating a "home." She was one of the most dedicated Mothers ever! She always placed her family as her first priority. I am so blessed that I was her daughter.


I have fought back the waves of sadness that rolled in this week. It has been a year - a whole year- I have been forced to live without her. I miss her comments on my blog, I miss calling her when I have a bad day, I miss calling her when I have a great day, and I calling her to come save the day! She understood me in a way that no else does. I miss having someone who knows me so completely and still loved me so unconditionally.

And then today I was flooded with a sense of peace when I realized that the only thing that separates me from my Mom now is time. Each year that passes brings me one year closer to seeing her again. So today I don't mourn that she has been gone for a year, today I am going to celebrate being one year closer to being reunited with her.

My boys saying "goodnight" to Grandma.

Love you Mommers.You are the best guardian angel a girl could ask for!

Gone home.... from The Robers on Vimeo.

Why its been so hard...

*Because of this post I decided to make my blog private a few days early. If you were a previous reader, you didn't have to re-accept an invite. Welcome to our private blog!

So the last few weeks have been hard. Gut -wrenching hard. I had come to a good place with my Moms passing, and in most ways I am still there. But recently I have had several acquaintances my age get cancer. Really? Its been a weird and crazy realization that maybe I'm getting older, but still I am way to young to have people my age getting cancer (or at least I feel like I am).

In every case when they get sick I have watched as their Mother has swooped in and helped make it okay - help bear the burden of illness and the pain. I also have seen how the Mother-in-law is a huge comforting presence and help too. And it hit me - I don't have either.

I haven't ever posted much about our relationship with Johns parents but its not good. By Johns choice we don't have any contact with them. Summed up - they are abusive and only think of themselves. They would be the last place I could ever find comfort or a loving helping hand.

And that is just the reality of my life right at this moment. I don't have a mother or mother in law that is available to sweep in and save the day. I don't want to hurt anyone by saying that - I know I have a lot of support and a lot of amazing women in my life....but its not the same. I wish it was, but its just not.

I know its a really lame thing to be so worried about when its not even an issue. Its just a fresh slap of reality hitting the same week as my Moms 1 year passing anniversary. I always held out hope that one day things would be okay between us and Johns Mom, but it is evident that we wont ever have that relationship. Maybe I'm mourning that loss right now as well.

Ive just felt alone. Its not rational but the feeling are real none the less. I saw this on Pinterest and it really hit home.

Trust me. Its true.

Overwhelmed

Everywhere I turn there is someone passing away, someone new battling cancer, some heartbreak. I don't know if its because these people are my age that is making me so sensitive, or if its realizing that we are a week shy of my Mom's 1 year passing.

Either way - everything feels so heavy right now.

Break

I thought with this being a break week from Over the Big Moon I would have so much time to catch up here on this blog...wrong! My mind has been bombarded with thoughts about my goals for this upcoming year. I am a goal setter but last year at this time I didn't make any. I didn't want to put pressure on myself because so much was still unknown at that point with my Mom. I was living in CA indefinitely and not really sure how I was going to handle her passing. It was a really good thought, but in reality I have felt little lost without my normal goals.

Maybe it was best though...maybe it gave me the time I needed to grieve so I could get to where I'm at.  I feel anxious and prepared to move forward. I have been ready to tackle my life and get things in order. But in order to do that it meant I had to tackle Christmas! I knew it was going to be a bear of a project - and it has been! Our house was completely torn apart and full of boxes for 2 days!

When all the boxes were removed though I found the most amazing thing...my house was a blank slate! A very dirty blank slate, but nonetheless it was empty! What an opportunity to really scrub my house clean and then redecorate and update things. We have lived here for 4 years and a lot of things just need to be freshened up.

So that's where I'm at. I'm scrubbing the tops of cupboards and filling holes in walls. Next I will be breaking out the touch up paint and scouring DI for new treasures to add to our decor.

I know I will never really be done grieving but I do feel like I have hit a milestone. I'm ready to move on from the pain. I feel guilty in some ways saying that because I don't want it so seem like I'm moving on from my Mom - I'm not - I'm just moving forward. Moving forward with a new outlook and a renewed sense of esteem in myself for having done the best I could, and having cared for her in a way I am proud of.

I wasn't perfect by any means. No one can be when  faced with such an emotional trial. But I can honestly say I did everything in my power to make my Mom comfortable and happy for those last months of her life. I gave her the respect she deserved and treated her with dignity. I got to sacrifice for her the same way she had always sacrificed for me. I gave her care all of my heart - just as she always cared for me. Her last gift to me was the self esteem created through her care. Its hard to describe but I have a confidence in myself that I have never had before.

I will love my Mom forever. She will always be a part of me and who I am because she is the one who created me, loved me, and sacrificed so much of what she wanted to give me what I needed. She taught me to work and instilled in me the belief that I can do anything. I don't think there is any more important lesson she could have taught me. The courage and confidence to try new things with the ability to work hard at them to succeed.

I really didn't mean for this post to be more than a little blurb about cleaning but the thoughts have just poured out of me as I have sat here typing. It feels good to define all of the swirling chaotic thoughts in my head.

I am really excited for 2012. I think its going to be a great year for our family. We have learned so much from 2011 and now are ready to move into the next chapter of our life!

PS. Can I just add how happy I am that the next chapter does not include diapers and diaper bags! WHA-WHOO!!!

Decorating the Christmas Tree in Tradition

My boys have been begging for days to decorate the Christmas tree. I put it up all by myself one quiet day and it's been bare until tonight. It was so fun! I can already see how the Spirit of Christmas is embedding in their tender hearts. They love to decorate and they love to sit and look at the tree.

We started off with Christmas music as Caleb, Davis, and I danced all over the floor to Christmas songs. Daddy brought in the ornaments and they couldn't wait to get theirs out and put them on the tree. What a gift all of the ornaments are we have collected over the years. We do a traditional tree rather than a fancy tree. Its full of ornaments from all different years and all different places.

Isn't our tree so pretty! I love it!

Everyone keeps asking me if I am okay and how I am handling this year and the truth is, I haven't been this happy since my Mom passed away. I expected to be sad but it is NOT possible for me to be sad with Christmas around! There are simply too many happy feelings that are ingrained inside of me.

At the ALS walk I had such a fun time talking to my Moms best friend when they were about my age. Its strange to talk with her woman to woman now when I use to know her as a child. I love her! She reminds me of my Mom and I can see why they were such great friends! She told me whenever she feels depressed she plays Christmas music and she can't stay depressed for long. It's so true!

The only tinge of sadness I had tonight was as I pulled out ornament after ornament from my Grandma Irene. She gave me an ornament in my stocking every year of my life until she died. My boys have ornaments from my Mom from these first few years but it hit me the tradition might die out now. I'm hoping my Dad will pick up his Moms tradition and give my boys an ornament in their stockings each year too. Please Daddy!

I'm going to take pictures later of some of the special ornaments on our tree but tonight I just wanted to say how magical it was to sing carols and decorate with my boys. There is nothing in this world that compares to the beauty of a child's face lit by a Christmas tree!

Thank you boys for a memorable night and for being just as excited as Mommy is to pull the ornaments out! I love you guys so much!

Merry Christmas from Heaven

My house is clean and the Christmas music is on. I'm ready to decorate for Christmas! The first box I brought in happened to be my Moms Genealogy Tree. It had one ornament hanging on it....

Walk to defeat ALS 2011

It was such a great day! The park was gorgeous as was the weather! I can not begin to describe how touched I was to see so many different families who have all been effected by this horrible disease. It hits every race and every age but that Saturday we were all combined as one in our grief and resolve. A great example of this was when they called out all of the team names. One team was called "ALS sucks" and there was a collective laugh throughout the crowd. Not because it was particularly funny but because everyone there had a personal belief for how bad ALS truly is.

We did not hear our team name called and so at the very end they re-announced our team as "Last but not least - Sweet Caroline!" Then they said they wanted to hear it and we sang the chorus to Neil Diamonds Sweet Caroline. Then the  DJ played it for everyone. It was awesome and my Mom would have loved it.

Thank you to those of you who showed up to support us and for walking with us. Thank you to those who helped us raise money and donated so generouly. Between the two Sweet Caroline teams we raised almost $8000. What an accomplishment!

I wore your shoes for you Mommers. ALS may have taken your life but it never took your spirit.

Truly you defeated ALS!

Back in CA!

Davis, Becks, and I drove to CA with my Dad yesterday. We left Daddy and Caleb back in UT. It was a nice drive especially because Grandpas car has a built in DVD player with headphones. The boys watched their movie and we listened to a book.

Awesome!

When we got home it felt so good to walk into our house but at the same time there just felt like there was something missing. I had a few moments where I couldn't hold back the tears as I thought about the life that my Mom brought to our home growing up. Her excitement for life was always infectious!

I just found saw this on Pinterest and it helped me feel better.